84 // 3 Things to Say When Someone Comments About How Your Child Eats
How to Craft an Appropriate One Liner
Did someone comment on your kid's weight, how they ate (or didn't), or the way your family approached feeding over Thanksgiving?
Unfortunately, this is a common time of year to feel stressed about facing awkward situations with friends and family around the topic of your child's diet, weight, and eating habits.
If you have a picky eater or a child that is visibly anything above or below the 50th percentile (which, not to worry, is NORMAL!), then you (and your child) may be particularly subjected to these kinds of comments.
So how do we respond appropriately without reacting in our rightful annoyance? It is natural to feel defensive, and yet like many areas of parenting, some people really aren't open to a conversation; their comments are simply there to take and do what you wish with.
That's why, in this episode, we are talking about the three components to a healthy response to unhelpful comments that come in. We will address how you can advocate for your child, stand behind your feeding approach, and outsource to an expert when more back up is needed and/or requested.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] With Thanksgiving now behind us, we have all probably experienced at least one example of someone making a comment about the way our kid eats the size of our child. Or something in how we approach feeding our family. And this can come up with friends and family alike, but I know as a parent who has often been in the position where my kids eat only rolls at Thanksgiving dinner, this is something that you likely already had to handle.
[00:00:30] And I had debated doing this post before Thanksgiving next year. I probably will do more content on on it leading up to the holiday season, but I had this episode slated. Today knowing that it kind of gives you the in between on the experience, the recent experience of Thanksgiving and any you know, events that might have happened in that holiday week.
[00:00:54] And as we go into Christmas. And I think what's valuable there is we can reflect to really recent examples of anything that might have been said or anything that might have been trigger. And then we can also begin to take action and we can apply what we're learning and what we're talking about here today to the upcoming weeks that we still have several more of with holiday events and friends and family gatherings or big holiday meals where comments might be made.
[00:01:21] And so while I think it's helpful to reflect back on years past, sometimes I think what we can do is we can harbor bitterness when we do that. And it may be. Removed from the situation we're in. Our child might be, or I mean our child is a different kid than they were, but their body might have changed, their eating habits may have shifted.
[00:01:42] Our family's approach may have evolved, and so many things that can change, that can adapt how we approach these situations. And hopefully you as a parent are seeing that your own relationship with food continues to change and adapt and ultimately mature. So that year after year, the way that you. Feel inclined to react or more appropriately respond, also shifts.
[00:02:08] And so I think with this episode happening right in between the Thanksgiving and Christmas season, I want you to see how can we approach these situations that come up. And specifically, I want to give you what three components there are to every good one line. This is not a good one-liner. That's gonna be a joke.
[00:02:28] This is your good one-liner that helps you get through those uncomfortable, awkward situations.
[00:02:36] Hey mama. I'm Ashley and welcome to the Veggies and Virtue Podcast. In this podcast, you'll find simple menu ideas, kitchen organizational systems spelled out for mom life, and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence based in grace. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:02:55] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, I want you to break free from the mealtime battles to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long. Pull up a stool at my kitchen counter and let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the meal times, messes moments, and ministry of motherhood.
[00:03:16] The concept of a one liner first came to me when my parents, they divorced when I was 12, and I remember asking my mom how she would respond to people when people asked about it, and she told me something that I'll never forget, and I think applies to so many things in life. And that is always have your one liner ready.
[00:03:32] Because I remember my mom saying that there weren't, there were often times that she didn't wanna get into it either because it was too emotional or it was just too, you know, heavy of a topic to really appropriately handle with people that she wasn't on that level with, or that just the situation and the circumstances didn't allow for them to get into it, even if it was a friend that maybe she would disclose more things with.
[00:03:53] And I remember her telling me, always have your one liner. . And anytime I find myself in a situation where I'm only going to give the tip of the iceberg, I'm not gonna get into the whole thing with someone. And either for my own personal boundaries or just out of, you know, consideration for the situation or scenario that we're in and the conversation that we're able to have, I wanna have a one liner ready because as someone who, especially with postpartum anxiety, and when I had more social.
[00:04:20] Sometimes it was really hard to know, like, how much do I say or what do I not say? And I could overthink it to the nth degree. But if I know that I might feel anxious about something in advance, I like to come up with a one-liner. And I think if you're someone who found yourself over the holiday season this year so far, say like Thanksgiving.
[00:04:40] And you know of anything up to date and you found yourself in scenarios where you were a little uncomfortable, or if you found yourself in that situation, or you know, planning on being in a situation like that again with the same group of friends or the same, you know, family dynamics and things like that where you can kind of find yourself wrestling with some of that anxiety on how you handle these awkward comments, these uncomfortable meals, these situations.
[00:05:07] Honestly, just feel very counter to what you want your kids to be in. And yet it's not necessarily something that you can get out of. I wanna encourage you to come up with what your one liner is. And so today's episode we're gonna talk about what three components, I think help you create a an effective one liner that will.
[00:05:28] not just be like a passing phrase to get you out of an uncomfortable situation. It won't be a confrontational phrase that, you know, makes you engage in a conversation that you don't want to have, but it supports you and the job that you're doing. Raising a child with a healthy relationship with food, it protects your child and you know, gives a little bit of a shield to, with you being in between your child and maybe the person who's saying certain.
[00:05:56] And it helps give you a little confidence that you are equipped and ready to handle it, and you don't have to engage in conversations that you don't want to, particularly about your child's. Body size, body shape, weight, or the weight that they eat. So with that, let's go ahead and dive into the three components that I think are included in every good one-liner.
[00:06:19] The first of that would be advocacy. I want you going into these things to be very clear on what your approach is. So if you're going to a family gathering or a holiday event, or wherever you find yourself outside the home where there's going to be dynamics outside your control, and there's going to be people who naturally just eat differently and feed differently than you do in your family, I want you to be really clear going into those event what your approach is.
[00:06:45] And this is obviously something we talk about at length in each and every episode in Accumulatively. Throughout my podcast and the veggies and virtue community, but this is fostering a responsive feeding approach that you as the parent know your approach to how you handle feeding, that you're in charge of what, when and where food is offered.
[00:07:04] Your child gets to decide if, whether and how much to eat. That's the bare bones of the approach that we talk about all the. But the goal here is you're not looking to get into an argument with someone who maybe doesn't align with what your approach is. This is true, as we know as moms for all areas of parenting.
[00:07:23] We all get to choose how we raise our children, and there's going to be a lot of nuances and a lot of differences. But the goal here isn't. To get into an argument, but instead, as I mentioned, to create a little bit of that shield to create some comfort and security around your child that hopefully they're being shielded from any comments that would just not be helpful or healthy for them to hear.
[00:07:45] But also so that they can enjoy the meal. And you can enjoy the meal without feeling pressure or judgment or any sense of shame, but you have that security that you know you're doing what's best for your child and your child sees you rest in that confidence. They see that you're not, you know, clamming up and uncomfortable when someone's, you know, making a comment, but they see that you are able to handle it with confidence.
[00:08:09] So I want you to think to. As, or excuse me, I want to think, I want you to think of yourself as an advocate for healthy relationships with food at the event. I have gone through so much work myself to realize that comments that people make, especially about, you know, my, my kids and the way that they eat and the things that they do or don't eat isn't really about me.
[00:08:30] And that's been a work on my own pride that I've had to realize. But I've also realized in my one-liners, so much of what I feel my role is, is advocating. For a healthy relationship with food, a lot of people can say that they're, you know, all about healthy eating, clean eating, da da, da da. But when I think of an advocate like someone I really truly respect as being an advocate for a cause that is not about themselves and there is not a selfish motive in it.
[00:08:58] That's what I wanna think about myself being when I go into these events. And that's what how I want my kids to hear me respond to people's comments. So if people are talking about my. You know, sugar intake or their body size, or the way that they do or don't eat, or whatever it might be. I just see myself as I get to be an advocate in this situation for something that I stand for, and that could apply in a lot of different areas of our life.
[00:09:23] But I think in the context of this conversation, it's important for us to see that. Cause I think that that'll automat. Give us some comfort and confidence in what we want to say because it's not saying that you're an expert and that you're trying to just rattle off all the facts and be the know it all in the room.
[00:09:39] That's not what you're trying to be and that's not what you are. Most likely, but what you can be and what you are is an advocate and you're showing, you know what? We're doing this work. We're doing this work with me, we're doing this work with my child. We're doing this work within our family, and we're looking to break some of those generational cycles and change those cultural norms.
[00:10:00] In how we approach our relationships with food. And so if you can find that as a comfort in it as a security, then I think it becomes that much easier when you're coming up with your one liner to think of, what am I advocating for? Then it's not so much, what points do I need to argue? Because then you're just trying to shoot down any and every comment that may come, and that can be really hard to respond to, especially.
[00:10:25] Your stance is first and foremost to protect your child and to remain confident in your own feeding boundaries as a family. So you don't need to argue each and every one of these points as they come up because advocacy. Is firmly planted in a root cause and it's not looking to argue with others because often that argument is where it loses it's appeal to other people.
[00:10:50] Instead, keeping your response really concise and clear can help you advocate for the cause that you're standing on and you're standing for without getting into some of those nuanced things. So what I want you to consider here is using something like a. That your child would be familiar with at home, because if they're hearing you say these things at home, it's consistent with what you're already fostering at home.
[00:11:14] So that kind of helps you check, yes, this is fitting for our family. This is a good response to comments. That's a good one-liner. That doesn't mean I have to get into it with people. But it, you know, protects my child and it protects the boundaries we have as a family around how we eat. So it might be something as simple as you don't, you know, if you're directing this at your child, you don't have to eat it.
[00:11:36] You're the boss of your body. You get to decide what feels best to your body. If. It's a schedule based thing and you know the schedule is shifting and you know, holidays can be crazy in that dynamic. You might just be reminding your child of the structure and routine and how you as a family maintain that, you know, as.
[00:11:54] The holidays go. It's your job to make sure what, when and where is as consistent as possible, and you know, conducive with what your family needs are and things like that. But you can remind your child, this is what's for dinner. Just remember, we won't be eating again until blah, blah, blah, whenever that is.
[00:12:11] Make sure that your tummy feels satisfied. Whatever that comment is. It might be food is not a reward in our family that might be directed at your child. It also might be something that you share with someone else. So as you consider these one-liners and who you're directing them to, you might be thinking, is this something that I want to direct towards my child and then support it to the person who I'm needing to say it around.
[00:12:35] Or is this something that I would rather say to the person who's making the comment and my child will know how to respond on their own? Because I think first and foremost, it's important to remind our kids how to handle the situation. Because if they're with an earshot, and you know, as we talked about with the episode on handling holiday feuding struggles, if we're expecting our kids to sit at the table and to enjoy a family meal and to have this, you know, opportunity to sit and engage, whether they're not, whether they're eating or.
[00:13:03] Their the expectation and the hope is that they'll sit there and they'll engage and that they'll enjoy all the aspects of the meal, even if the food is not their favorite, even if they're eating only the roles. The challenge and the compromise often becomes the people at the table are now eyeing your child and potentially criticizing if and what and how much or how little they're eating and can make comments that your child can't escape.
[00:13:27] So, It's unfortunate when someone makes a comment to you and you have to know how to advocate for your child and your family's feeding approach separately of your child. It's especially difficult if you're sitting at the table and you need to know how to respond to that. So think through, is this something where you want to.
[00:13:44] Make sure your child is reassured, you don't have to eat it, and then you redirect your attention to the person and advocate towards them. Or are you gonna address the person's comment and expect that your child knows that they're safe and secure in what they're doing and how they're eating or not. So that would be the first thing.
[00:14:00] Make sure that you're focused on the advocacy over an argument. The second thing would be knowing your approach, and this is kind of where it goes from advocat. Into sharing that next follow up thing. So if I were to say to my kids, you know, if someone was questioning them eating the order that they ate their pumpkin pie before they ate their Turkey, or whatever it might be, I'm just coming up with an arbitrary situation here and I say it's okay.
[00:14:29] Food is not a reward in our family. You're welcome to eat the food and the order that you. That's what I would say to my child first. Next, I would be redirecting my attention to share with the person who made the comment. Our approach, and this might be something that you're gonna tailor to the person, to the comment they made.
[00:14:48] As I was mentioning before, you don't wanna feel like you have to come up with a new one-liner to every potential thing that is said, because that's exhausting even for me. But instead, you do want to be in tune, especially if you're going into an event and you. , this particular family member tends to make comments like this, this particular person tends to gravitate towards this topic, but it also can help you be just understanding and more.
[00:15:20] Intentional in your response, if you tailor what you say about your feeding approach to that person and to any of the things that you may know about them. Because particularly when we're talking about family here, and if it's family, you know, that has raised us and they raised us to have a certain relationship with food, and we're now saying we approach things differently than them, some family can take that offensively as if we're insinuating that they did something.
[00:15:48] Or that we don't agree with the way that they raised us or that they raised our parents, or that they, you know, have done things on their own. And so, as much as possible, we wanna take that into account in advance. Again, coming up with this one-liner in advance so we can see in our family who has. A history of food insecurity or I know with my grandparent who was raised during the Great Depression, or I know with my cousin who's a vegan, or I know with this family member who has struggled with their weight and is still, you know, really trying to develop a healthy body image on their own.
[00:16:26] How can I be sensitive to. Aspects of who they are, and yet still stay consistent in my advocacy for what our feeding approach is. So you can tailor what this feeding approach is and tailor how you're feeding your child in a way that's respectful and yet responsive. So a base example might be something like, in our family we get to decide what's offered and our child gets to decide how much of that is.
[00:16:53] Now if you know that this specific family member is going to be triggered by, you know that you're not reinforcing a clean plate club or that you're allowing your kid to eat this certain thing in certain order, you might choose to add to that and to elaborate, but really hear, what I want you to think about is what does the opportunity for conversation that's being created, because we all know that again, we don't want the advocacy to turn into an.
[00:17:19] And that's where you can lead with advocacy, follow it up with your approach. But you might have very small, short, concise one-liners here to say what your approach is. Because if you know that the person you're speaking with is not open to hearing about your approach, or is not gonna be receptive to how you're doing things differently than they do or they did, then it's probably not worth the time to even try and engage in a conversation about it because it might end up turning into an.
[00:17:48] And that becomes tense for everyone at the table or wherever you might be. So instead, you wanna see if the conversation continues and the person shows. An interest or an eagerness to learn and hear more, then you might begin to take time and elaborate a little bit more on the approach. The opposite is also true if you know the person is not interested and open to hearing more about your approach.
[00:18:08] Have this be a really simple one-liner that you can include that again, protects your boundaries and what you're doing and gives you the authority as the. To know you don't need to shift what you're doing to try and arbitrarily adapt to whatever comment they may made. And the third component that I want you to think about when you're coming up with what your one liner is, is to outsource.
[00:18:31] Because first and foremost, you do know your child best. And I know that with working with hundreds of families each, typically I work with the moms, but each parent knows their, their child's isms, and you know, all these idiosyncrasies about your child, and those are so valuable, especially when it comes to feeding.
[00:18:49] And so you are the expert on your child. However, if you can tell that someone does or doesn't want to learn more about what your approach is and about what you're advocating for, you can. Outsource or what I like to think of as differing to an expert, because whichever way the conversation goes, you might find yourself wanting to redirect them to ultimately me or someone else that has helped equip you and help you in this approach of how you're feeding your family.
[00:19:18] So, in a situation where it might be someone who is a little bit more argumentative about this, or who might be a little bit more offended about what you share, your approaches, You are welcome to blame me. I tell my one-on-one clients this all the time. I'm not worried about if your Aunt Thelma likes me.
[00:19:37] What I'm worried about is making sure that you feel confident and calm at meals and in feeding your family. And so you can always blame me and you might just share with them, you know, we've been learning a lot from this pediatric dietician and she specializes in helping families form healthy relationships with food.
[00:19:53] I'd be happy to pass along her info if you're. If they're not interested, they're just gonna say no, which is great. That gives you permission to redirect the conversation to something totally different. You do not have to keep regurgitating the same concepts. You may have to keep reinforcing your boundaries, but you do not need to keep having this conversation if it's not a productive conversation or one that you wanna be a part of.
[00:20:14] However, if it's someone that genuinely is interested and genuinely does wanna learn more, that I have plenty of grandmothers who follow me, and they're often the ones who email me back and comment. And engage the most, cuz they're just, they are eager to learn and they are excited. And there's thankfully a lot of the older generation that even though they may have been raised a certain way, they're still really excited about the opportunity to help their children and their grandchildren foster these really healthy relationships with food and what that looks like.
[00:20:41] And so they may be open to it and then you can pass it along to them. But again, if it's, if it's a positive, proactive conversation, it may be one that continues and they may genuinely want more information and for you to outsource. Some of the advice that you have that you've gathered. If it's not a great conversation and one that you do want to redirect and ultimately bring to a close, you can also redirect them to me and give them my information.
[00:21:07] So if they have questions, they know who they can come blame. So to re up the three elements of a good one-liner that I want you to consider, really anytime, but especially amidst the holiday season, is I want you to first advocate. For your child and your family and the healthy relationship with food that you are looking to form and affirm that in your advocacy.
[00:21:29] Second, I want you to be clear on what your approach is and make sure that as you approach it with this person, you can be sensitive and in tune with some of the nuances of maybe how they approach feeding and how that may be similar or different from you, but make sure that you're clear on what your family's approach are so that you can feel confident.
[00:21:48] In sharing just a little bit of that with them until you know if they're open to more dialogue about it. The third and final component that I think is really helpful for creating this one-liner for people is knowing that you can always outsource. You're not expected to be the expert. Just because you're an advocate for something does not mean that you are the expert, and it's totally fine to d either defer to people like myself and to give people my information if they want more information.
[00:22:13] Or to just get them off your back if they're not willing to let up and question you and your authority. So I just want to encourage you in this way, help support the engagements that you're gonna have in and around the holiday table, and hope that you and your family can have a great holiday season that ultimately does help support the work that you're doing year round with your child.
[00:22:37] Because if one comment is made or if one thing is said or. At a family meal or gathering with friends, it's not gonna derail the day to day efforts that you put into fostering this healthy relationship with your child. However, as a parent, I know it can often feel like this, so I hope that having these one-liners ready in advance of any of these events that you might find yourself going to.
[00:23:01] You or the situations you might find yourself in. I hope that this will give you a little added confidence to know how to approach 'em in a way that gives you the God-given authority as the parent, but also doesn't make you feel inclined to have to get into an argument.
