58 // At what age do you STOP doing a division of responsibility with feeding?
When do you STOP doing a division of responsibility with feeding?
3 things to think about as you consider your responsive feeding style over the lifespan
Ashlee, a mom of a nine year old, submitted this listener question,
“At what age do you stop doing a division of responsibility in feeding?"
Whether you are new to this feeding approach or a veteran now and wondering when your roles in feeding shift to allow your child some age-appropriate independence, this episode will walk you through the basics of a responsive feeding style at each age and feeding stage.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
58 sDOR stops at what age
[00:00:00] Hey, y'all happy Wednesday. It feels like a funny week for us. I don't know about for you, but with having labor day and a day off school, it feels like yesterday we had a case of the Mondays and a Tuesday. And today I'm not sure if I feel like accomplished that we've made it halfway through the week or in an added hustle because of the missing day.
[00:00:17] But I am excited no less because this marks the final episode that I'm gonna launch before back to school, bootcamp kicks off. And I'm really excited because I'm going to bring to you today, a question that a mom submitted on my site. If you ever have a question that you wanna ask me to cover on an upcoming episode, all you have to do is go to veggies and virtue.com/ask hyphen Ashley, and you can leave me a message just like this mom did.
[00:00:42] And her question was asking. How do you implement the division of responsibility at different ages and stages? She shared that she's new to this feeding framework and kind of creating this foundation. And yet she has a nine year old. And so she's wondering, you know, do we just maintain these feeding roles in terms of us deciding what, when and where food is offered and our kids get to decide if, whether and how much until they're, you know, technically adults and leave the house, or at what stage do we start to transition and share some of those roles and responsibilities.
[00:01:15] So I'm gonna dive into that in today's episode. But know that you can always ask me a question. If you would like something answered on an upcoming episode as well.
[00:01:26] Hey mama, I'm Ashley, and welcome to the veggies and virtue podcast. In this podcast, you will find simple menu ideas, kitchen, organizational systems, spelled out for mom life and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence based in grace. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:01:45] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, I want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long, pull up a stool at my kitchen counter. And let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the meal times messes moments and ministry of motherhood.
[00:02:06] Hi, Ashley. So I'm new to learning about the divisions responsibilities. And my question is at what point. Does the division of responsibilities change? Do we wait until our kid is graduated and outta the house, and then, you know, they're on their own at that point and the division has changed or is there a certain age in which that changes can, can my nine year old come down and choose breakfast for herself when she wakes up in the morning?
[00:02:36] Or do I wait until she's a teenager at what age does this change? All right. So first of all, Ashley, thank you so much for taking the time. Send me this question in to submit this voice memo. It's particularly fun because my daughter, my oldest is almost nine. So we're in a similar season and you know, this is another episode for another day, but we have had some challenges since she's gone back to school, you know, she's a more strong willed child and.
[00:03:04] She does tend to, you know, want to be the final authority on a lot of things. And so with food, we've noticed that being one of the things that she wants to seek control over more, as she's gone back to school and, you know, some of just the independence and autonomy that she had during summer during the days, and kind of how she.
[00:03:22] The activity she got to do and things like that. It changes when she's back in school and it does change because, you know, someone's telling her what she needs to do all day when she's in the classroom and things like that. And so we've just as a family been working through this recently, but I can really relate with the agent stage.
[00:03:37] That your child might be at because you know, when kids do get older, they do seek independence and autonomy, which is not dissimilar from what it is like when kids are younger as toddlers. But they also are at an age where it's appropriate to start handing over some age, appropriate independence and autonomy and help equipping them with those life skills because they don't need to be quite as dependent on us.
[00:04:03] Say they once did. And so in today's episode, I really wanna walk through different paths that this can take. You know, for example, in my family, with my daughter, I've been using the division of responsibility with her since infancy. This is, you know, I'm obviously trained in this. And so I, this was one of the things that I knew early on in parenting that I wanted to foster within our family's feeding foundation.
[00:04:25] But I know many families like Ashley's are learning about this kind of as an afterthought or oftentimes you know, an attempts to find quote, what is that answer that I'm looking for? That would make meal times just not so stressful. And oftentimes families can come to find the division of responsibility as their kids get older.
[00:04:44] I work with several families and the roles haven't been established in a way that aligns with the division of responsibility early on. And yet families find themselves in a position where years and years down the road, they're having a lot of struggle and they're starting to see more of the struggle.
[00:05:00] Their child doesn't have quote unquote good eating habits, and they're still facing these challenges with the variety that their kids eat. And, you know, the level of pickiness that their kids may have. And some of those problems that when we don't nip 'em in the bud early on, or if they just have kind of continued to escalate over time, as our kids get older, it can really compromise things.
[00:05:21] And ultimately it can continue to get worse saying that, you know, I just wanna acknowledge the fact that I did start. Early on with each of my kids, but my now almost nine year old, you know, she has been born and raised with this, but I, I want you to see how, whether you were just learning about the divisional responsibility and your child is going on double digits, if not older, or your child is an infant, there are answers for you.
[00:05:46] You can begin to implement in your family. I never want families to feel that their child is quote unquote too far gone, or that they've already messed up. You know, I hear so much guilt and shame from. About kind of missing the boat or did I miss my window or, you know, I didn't even know what I didn't know.
[00:06:02] And now I see all my stuff with my own relationship with food and my own eating habits and things like that. Being imparted on my kid. And I didn't even know. And I just, my heart breaks for parents when I see them in this situation, because we all want to do what's best for our kids. And so I always approach working with families, knowing that every parent is doing the best that they can.
[00:06:22] And so whether you started an infancy or you're starting an, a. I want you to see that there are steps that you can take to help harness a healthy relationship with food for your kids. No matter what your starting place is. Obviously the course is going to look a little different depending on if you're starting with a toddler or a 10 year old, but in today's episode, I really just want to help showcase a little snippet of what this looks like at each agent stage, because you know, the short answer to this mom's question.
[00:06:53] there. Isn't just like an age where the light switch goes off and we just hand it all over. And we're like, there you go. Oftentimes for families that is when a child, you know, moves outta the house or goes away to college. And oftentimes it's one where families have realized, oh my goodness. Have we prepared our child to know how to have some of these skills that they need to have healthy eating habits.
[00:07:16] Once they leave the home, I should probably do another episode for another day. It might be a fun interview to have some moms on for who's I've been in that situation because I know a lot of you in this community still have younger kids, so that concept still can feel really far off. But one of my goals in working with families is always.
[00:07:33] Whatever point it is that I start working with families again, whether the child is an infant, a two year old, a 10 year old, a 20 year old. It doesn't matter to me, my preference and my goal and the objective I'm working towards is always to equip and empower the parents and to equip and empower the kids in a way that is age and stage appropriate.
[00:07:54] And so oftentimes when I'm working with parents who have younger kids, yes, I'm encouraging. To model a lot of these roles and responsibilities within the feeding relationship, because the child's not at an age or a stage that it would be developmentally appropriate for the child to be deciding those roles.
[00:08:12] If you who are listening, maybe are unfamiliar with the division of responsibility in simple it's the parent decides what food is offered when food is offered and where food is. and the child gets to decide if, whether and how much they eat. If you're a longtime listener, you know, I repeat this again and again and again, but I feel like it's a little bit like at church, how they repeat the gospel, every single sermon, just in case someone's not familiar with it.
[00:08:38] I feel like repeating the division of responsibility here is something that's really important so that whether you've listened to all my episodes or this is the first episode that you've listened. That you are familiar, that there are with the fact that there are roles and responsibilities within the feeding relationship.
[00:08:54] And so often those roles and responsibilities have been flipped, and that's why families find themselves in struggles. So getting us back to this place where this mom is entering in, if you can kind of picture a timeline and it's funny, cuz I'm actually looking right now at one of the bonus modules that I have in my new course, mealtime's made easy and if you're not signed up for the back to school bootcamp, please, please.
[00:09:16] Take the opportunity today. Pause, listening to me and go to veggies of virtue.com/bootcamp and register. It's a free three day workshop I'm running next week. It's one hour live online. I'll just hop on video with you guys and give you 45 minutes of training followed by 15 minutes of Q and a for those three days.
[00:09:34] But when you are registered, whether the time works for you and or not, and whether or not you can show up live, or you just need to catch the replays, you are going to get some awesome discount codes and bonuses to. Be the first to access. I should say my meal times made easy method. And so. I wanna make sure that everyone has access to of course meal times is made easy.
[00:09:55] That'll be launching next week, but if you want an awesome discount and you want early bird access with all the bonuses that come with that make sure that you are signed up for the free bootcamp so that you get those coupon codes and links straighten your inbox next week, because they are exclusive to back to school boot camp members.
[00:10:12] So that all to say, I am looking literally at one of the slide decks right now for one of the bonus trainings that I. Within the meal times made easy method. One of the phases meal times made easy method that I walk families through is talking about feeding roles. And I go into all the intricacies of your feeding roles as a parent, as well as what the roles of your child are in the feeding relationship.
[00:10:37] But I also take it a step further to help you understand if and when roles change and what things do dictate roles changing and age. Can be one of them. Oftentimes we do see the roles shift as our kids get older because in infancy, our child's needs are different than they are in. Toddlerhood just as our child's needs and abilities.
[00:11:01] When they're of school, age are different than toddlerhood and so on. And so what I want families to know the spectrum, because whether you have one child who's already at a more advanced age and let's say elementary school age, and you're just now learning. Principle to feeding your family, using the division of responsibility, or maybe you didn't learn it the first or second time around, but now you're having your third child and you're already realizing some of those struggles that I mentioned up front when feeding challenges aren't addressed early on.
[00:11:30] And now, you know, you wanna do it differently with your third. And the whole family is kind of starting to shift to this new approach. I want you to have the full scope. What do these adjustments look like over a child's lifespan and at different ages and stages? Because again, there's no one age. That you just handed over and got like a driver's license.
[00:11:49] And you just say, here you go, you have the ability now. But instead, what we look at is how do we empower and equip? My goal is to empower and equip you so that ultimately you gain so much proficiency and confidence in feeding your child, that you feel that you can empower and equip them in their feeding roles, because I don't normally get to talk with children.
[00:12:10] Normally I'm working directly with the parent. And so I wanna make sure I'm giving you all the skills and tools. That you need to do your feeding job well so that when your child is at an age or stage that developmentally, they can start to assume some of those roles and responsibilities. You see how that shift naturally starts to occur and ultimately develop over time.
[00:12:34] And so my goal for families, you know, again, of course I would love to work with families from the very get go, because it gives us more time to developmentally pace ourself as their child gets older and their child then just learns this from the get go. And that's of course the ideal, but the reality of it is many families I'm working with are having kids who are already a little bit older and have already been exposed to different feeding styles.
[00:12:59] And so as I look at this slide deck, I'm just looking. Graphic that I share with a timeline of, you know, kind of over a child's lifespan and what roles are going to change and kind of become a shared responsibility and a shared role over time. And then where does kind of that break off point or that handover start to happen for families.
[00:13:19] And so I'm obviously not able to get into all the intricacies in this episode that I go into in the workshop within mealtime's made. But what I think is important for you guys to know in a quick cliff notes version today is how the breakdown works a little bit at each agent stage. So to break this down, three of the things that I indicate may cause your feeding roles to change within the division of responsibility.
[00:13:44] And again, I, I dive into this in more depth within the meal times made easy method, but what is your child's age? What are their abilities? and what is their at need for autonomy or their actual ability for being autonomous? And the reason we look at this is because when we look, let's start with infancy, when we look at infancy, it's obviously a younger age.
[00:14:06] Their abilities require a significant amount of our care and supervision and obviously involvement in their life. And so their abilities is very minimal. However, depending on how familiar you are with the division of responsibility, it actually does sometimes confuse parents a little bit because in the early years, they, babies are very autonomous in terms of being intuitive.
[00:14:29] They know when and how much to eat. And so the division of responsibility in infancy is a season that we are tuning into our children as much as possible. And we ultimately get to decide what they eat, but our child gets to decide when and where and if, whether and how much. So as a parent, we get to decide, are we breastfeeding them?
[00:14:51] Are we formula feeding? Are we pumping and expressing milk into a bottle, or, you know, what combination of those options are we choosing for our child? And then in infancy, the child really gets to choose the other things. We start to see a transition happen as kids become toddlers, because that's when, as parents, we do start to assume what, when and where foods are offered, because now there's a wider range of food options being offer.
[00:15:16] And so we start to transition to our role being the what, when and where food is offered and continuing to allow our childhood decide if, whether and how much, and this is going to continue throughout toddlerhood of course, with toddlers, particularly consistency is key. So the more consistent we are in maintaining these feeding.
[00:15:37] The less struggles that we will have in feeding our child. But as our kids get a little bit older and let's say like preschool age, you know, they might start to get a little bit more involved or interested in some of the tasks we are doing. However, you know, as I mentioned, we're looking at age, a ability and autonomy.
[00:15:53] So their age is increasing beyond toddlerhood and some of their abilities are. And so this is a great time that you can start getting your kids involved. This is a great time to start improving picky eating that may have happened during toddlerhood. By utilizing a lot of the strategies that I share within the meal times made easy method so that they can, you know, take part in what you are doing.
[00:16:13] But ultimately as the parent, you are still deciding what, when and where that food is offered. And your preschooler is still in charge of deciding if, whether and how much they eat from what's being offered. So we really don't start to see much of a shift until we get to school-aged kids. And here, of course, their age is advancing.
[00:16:33] You know, this is. In the research and in a lot of the literature, that's out there in regards to the division of responsibility. We're looking at about like six to 11, six to 12 years of age. So that's the age we're looking at. But when you look at those ages, you also start to see some abilities and some autonomy develop that we don't have in earlier stages of life.
[00:16:54] So, of course they are able to do more tasks. You know, this is when we start trusting them to unload a dishwasher or to take out the trash or, you know, to do some more advanced tasks that contribute to our families. But additionally, their autonomy is different. They're now eating at school or, you know, they might have extracurricular activities after school.
[00:17:13] And so some of their just routine and their schedule and their need for eating different things on the. Or eating in different amounts because we don't have quite as much control over when and where they're eating as we once did we start to share those responsibilities. So this is really a time that we can start helping our kids in equipping them and empowering them to know how do you decide what, when and where you eat.
[00:17:39] If I'm not there to decide it for you or to, you know, set this foundation for you. And so for Ashley, the mom who submitted this question, You know, with her nine year old, the nine year old's right in the middle of this, the opportunity though becomes, if this is completely unfamiliar to the family, there is going to be a little bit of a training window.
[00:18:01] And so it's not that they can't get caught up and start utilizing this very quickly. However, the mom also needs to have an understanding in the parents in general and the family as a. Need to have an understanding of how the division of responsibility applies and to start bringing them in bringing their children in so that they can understand how these roles are divided.
[00:18:24] And yet also being able to do these tasks with them. And so, you know, I always share with parents depending on what age and stage their kids are at, I try and help them understand there's different challenges and opportunities at each and every age. We all know that depending on the age of your. You're already privy to that, that young kids have different opportunities and challenges than older kids.
[00:18:45] And so while many parents worry that they've missed their window, I want parents of older kids to also understand there is a tremendous window because your child has the abilities and has the autonomy. That they didn't when they were little. And again, this is such a bigger concept than I can cover in one episode.
[00:19:02] So again, all of this is covered in depth within meal times made easy. So make sure that you're signed up for the back to school bootcamp, but I just wanna wrap up with sharing that as our kids get to be adolescence, and then they grow, they grow up to ultimately, you know, go out on their own and things, obviously when they're out on their.
[00:19:19] It's up to them. If, whether and how much they eat, what they eat when they eat, where they eat. But as parents, during adolescence, we can really see it as an opportunity to help make sure that they're equipped with those life skills that they need so that when they do get to decide what, when and where they're eating, we know that we've done what we can.
[00:19:38] Can we control it when they're outta the house and, you know, have less supervision? No, but the good thing is, is adolescence is a perfect opportunity that. Shape the way the feeding environment is within the home. We are continuing to shape how they perceive family meals to be, and all of their interactions with food based off our family's environment.
[00:19:58] However, there are more abilities. They begin to start being able to drive, which then perpetuates more autonomy for them to go out and, you know, get snacks at different hours of the day, or to go meet up with friends and they're eating at friends or they can, you know, go off campus at lunch. And so it's, it's a progressive process.
[00:20:16] And we want to partner with them in that process and not feel that it's in conflict. And so in summary, what I would share with this mom and any of you listening, who may have older kids, or just kids that you feel like, you know, oh man, we didn't do this earlier, but I'm just learning about this. And I still really want to adopt this.
[00:20:33] And I want this to be a part of our family's feeding foundation. But how do I, at my child's age and stage, I want you to think about what age are they. What abilities do they have? What do they have the ability to do at their age, that you can leverage to help partner with them in helping them understand what, when and where food is offered.
[00:20:52] Additionally, you wanna look at how much autonomy do they have, how many meals per week are you eating with your child, or are you supervising whether you're packing lunches with them and sending it for them, whether they're eating, you know, maybe they're in the school lunch program and they're eating breakfast and lunch at.
[00:21:08] And they go to daycare after school and they have snacks there. And so really dinner is the only meal that you're together on all of these things of the three A's of age abilities, autonomy are going to impact how you want to approach this. So when you're looking at a nine year old, you wanna evaluate some of those different things to begin to see where are your opportu.
[00:21:28] And first and foremost, where do you need to be equipped and empowered as a parent so that you know what the feeding foundation is before you begin to teach it? Of course we never wanna teach something that we don't even understand ourselves. So make sure that you are starting to understand this before you kind of roll out a rough version with your child, because as kids get older, they've already had nine years of understanding a different feeding foundation.
[00:21:50] And so they're going to be more observant to what the heck is mom doing now? This is totally different than what we've ever done. They're going to have more questions. They're going to have more intellectual understanding that things have changed and you can't just, you know, put it on the front of them without them potentially asking questions or pushing back and some challenges like that.
[00:22:09] And so you wanna make sure that you feel empowered and equipped as a parent. So, if you feel like you definitely don't have the tools and you are still new to this, and you wanna figure out a better way to do it, make sure that you were signed up for my back to school bootcamp. Again, it's veggies and virtue.com/bootcamp.
[00:22:27] It's free. It's a three day workshop. One hour each day. If you can't attend live, you can. Still get the workshop replays each day, but you'll also get a huge discount code to be able to join my meal times made easy method once that opens next week as well. So make sure you're signed up for that. Make sure that you are seeking and you're taking advantage of.
[00:22:46] These resources back to school is such a good time to begin making sure that you have those tools in your tool belt, because whether you're a working parent and you just realize there is a demand to need to have these systems and strategies in place, so it can help solve some of your feeding challenges, or if you're staying at home and you just now have a little increased capacity to invest in figuring things out to help your family in your feeding foundation now is such a great time to begin taking advantage of these opportu.
[00:23:15] To equip and empower yourself to help feed your family better.
