30 // [Part III] Are you feeding fair?
[Part III] Are you feeding fair?
What to do when both kids want another helping, but only one ”deserves” it (ie ate what was offered). The top 3 things you need to maintain a fair feeding approach
In this three-part series on how to handle seconds, we have reviewed what not to do and what is okay to do when it comes to giving your kids more of a given item.
But if you listen back to the mom’s initial question, you might remember that she spoke specifically to how to handle the request for seconds with one child versus the other?
As with many families, we may have one child who eats everything and then still wants more. That seems to not rock the boat for too many parents as we associate it to true hunger and a larger appetite. But with other children, particularly those with more particular appetites (i.e. those who are “picky”), we as parents can fumble on how to respond to their requests for more of a given food when they haven’t eaten any of the other ones offered.
Should our response be the same to both kids? Why, when one is clearly eating “better” than the other? How do we do the things we ought to do and not the things we are not to do when it comes to feeding kids with very different appetites and preferences?
This episode will address just this.
Running through the final three things to set your WHOLE family up for success, we will wrap up this three part series with 3 tips to maintaining a fair feeding approach among picky eaters, great eaters, and any kind of other eater.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] And this three-part series on how to handle seconds. We have reviewed what not to do, and also what is okay to do when it comes to giving your kids more of any given item. But if you listen back to the mom's initial question that we talked about in part one of this series, you might remember that she spoke specifically to how to handle their request for seconds, with one child who had eaten everything on their plate versus the other child who had only eaten.
[00:00:27] As in many families, we may have one child who eats anything and everything, and still wants more, but this doesn't seem to rock the boat too much for parents because we often associate that with them being truly hungry and just having a larger appetite at that given meal. But with other children, particularly those who are a little bit more particular with their appetite or those who are often referred to as picky, we, as parents can kind of fumble around with how to respond to the requests for certain foods.
[00:00:54] When our child, maybe hasn't eaten some of the other foods being offered. We don't know, should our response be the same to both kids or all of our kids. How does that even make sense? When one clearly seems to be eating quote unquote, better than the other, and how do we do these things that we ought to do as we talked about in the last part of this series and not do the things that we're not to do, like we talked about in part one of this.
[00:01:19] When it comes to feeding kids who have different appetites and preferences, because really quickly as families and as parents of kids with different feeding personnel. We can get a little bit mixed up and jumbled and how to feed different kids with different appetites and different feeding preferences.
[00:01:36] So this episode is going to address justice. We're going to run through the final three things that will set your whole family up for success and wrap up the three-part series with the three tips that you need to maintain a fair feeding approach, whether you have a picky eater, a great eater or anything in between.
[00:01:59] Hey, mama. I'm Ashley, and welcome to the veggies. And for two podcast in this podcast, you will find simple menu ideas, kitchen, organizational systems, spelled out for mom life and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence-based. And. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:02:18] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, I want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long, pull up a stool at my kitchen counter. And let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the mealtime messes moments and ministry of motherhood.
[00:02:39] So something I haven't shared with all of you yet that I am busy working away on is my meals made easy method. Course. I have been working on building out this course to help give you guys some of the resources that I think would be most helpful to helping make meals easier for you. But one of the things that I will be walking families through in the course is my Belgium plate basics.
[00:03:03] And that's what I kind of want to walk a little bit through today. As well as some of the other concepts that I think would really help you in your families here, when you address the aspect of how to handle seconds. And can your kid have more of a given food, particularly in families with multiple kids where you may find your.
[00:03:20] A little bit at odds with your feeding philosophy, because you may be trying to be in charge of what, when and where food is offered and allowing your child to decide if, whether and how much they eat. And you may be conceptually trying to model this concept of you as the parent provide. As to decide, but oftentimes what can happen is when we have kids who obviously have their own temperaments in general, they also have their own feeding temperaments.
[00:03:48] And one may have a big appetite. One may have a little bit. One may be more of a particular eater and one may be more of an adventurous eater. And this is obviously both ends of the spectrum and kids and families fault anywhere and everywhere in between. But for today, I want to finish up this three-part series on how to handle seconds.
[00:04:08] And can your kid have more of a given food, particularly if they haven't eaten more of a given like it or learning it. And how do we foster this feeding environment that feels fair across our different children and across their different feeding temperaments. And that's not reliant on if, whether and how much they eat, because something that parents can often find themselves doing is their response changes based off the kid.
[00:04:35] And if they know one child eats quote unquote better than another, they may bend or flex their feeding approach. Differently to that child than they do to say, maybe a child who doesn't eat as well, or who is, you know, smaller on the growth curve or, you know, struggles with feeding or eating as much variety and things.
[00:04:55] And so what I want to walk you through today is how to have a really fair and more importantly, consistent feeding approach across your family, regardless of what kind of eater you might have. So to do this as with the other two parts of this three-part series, I'm breaking it down into threes. It's a three part series with three things to keep in mind for each of the parts.
[00:05:19] And in this third part of the series, we are going to talk about the three things that you need to make sure that you are doing to help foster this feeding environment that will naturally help give you the information you as the parent. To know whether or not your kid needs seconds or not. And this really boils down to something that I talk about often on the podcast and on every one of the platforms that I share on is the division of responsibility.
[00:05:47] And that is your job in the feeding relationship boils down to what, when and where food is offered. So if you can think about those three things and hear me out on each of them a little bit more specifically than we have in previous episodes, I think you'll see how this reinforces. Certain concepts and certain and certain characteristics of the feeding relationship in a way that can really help your family.
[00:06:13] So first when we talk about what you're offering again, if you go back to part one, I share the voice memo that this mom particularly sent me. And she had used the example of, they were having a pasta salad, chicken, and maybe some other things in the meal as well. And one child wanted more noodles, but hadn't eaten anything else on their plate and her other child.
[00:06:35] Had eaten everything on their plate and wanted seconds. And she wasn't sure. How do you respond to one kid? Let alone the other kid let alone both kids, when you're all sitting at the table together, they're eating very differently. And how do we approach this? Is it a consistent approach? Is it a similar response or what do we do?
[00:06:52] And so what I want you to think about here, What you are offering in the scope of a few different things. And as I mentioned in the intro, I want you to begin thinking about what I refer to as your build your plate basics. And this really boils down to my love it, like it, learning it framework and making sure at the table that there is a, of.
[00:07:12] That there is a, like a food and that there is a learning at food. So in today's episode, I'm going to assume that your meal has already included those components out of a given meal so that there is always a preferred option at the table for your child, but there's also going to be foods that they maybe haven't learned to like it, or don't yet prefer.
[00:07:30] And that's okay too. But then piggybacking off of this, I want to walk through. What it looks like to fuel your child so that when you're looking at things that are going to support this feeding autonomy and for your child to have some of that autonomy and independence in deciding if, whether and how much they eat, I want you to also think through the dynamics of protein, fat, and fiber, because oftentimes what can make parents really uncomfortable is when kids want to fill up on a food, like.
[00:07:59] Or a dinner roll or fruit or these foods that just don't seem like they will fill our kids very much. And so going back to the previous parts of this series, we often can feel like we need to limit, we need to tell our kids that they're limited in how much they can have of those foods. Because we as adults know, fruit is only going to fill you up.
[00:08:19] So. A piece of bread is only going to fill them up so long. So oftentimes we'll try and pressure them to eat more of the chicken or something like that. But what I want you to think about here is if you, as a parent have done your job to offer love it, like it learning it food. So, you know, there's a variety of foods being offered as well as a variety of protein, fat, and fiber.
[00:08:40] If your child gravitates towards the carbs, that's not your problem. You're still offering a variety of food, but. When you're thinking about building a plate for your child and helping them in that process. I want you to begin thinking about how you can make sure you're offering a variety of nutrients and types of foods.
[00:09:01] So in this case, you know, there was some protein with the chicken. There was probably some fat either with cheese in the salad, or maybe like an oil dressing or a sauce of some sort. Or, you know, maybe sometimes pasta salads have like cold cut meats or something like that in it. And then there was probably some fiber either with the vegetables or if it was a whole grain noodle, things like that.
[00:09:22] And so as a parent, you can kind of begin thinking through, I know my child's love at Sood. How can I offer as much protein, fat, or fiber as possible in this given meal? And so, in an example like this, if the mom knows that the love food being offered is probably. Does she, if she's offering say like a kind of plain traditional refined starch noodle, could she offer one?
[00:09:51] That's either a lentil based and has a little bit more protein and fiber. Could she offer even just one, that's a whole grain and that's going to give a little bit more fiber to add to that fill factor for the child, or could she mix in maybe a fat? Maybe she knows that the child's not going to be. Very keen on, let's say a Gorgonzola cheese in it, but if she knows the child really likes yellow cheddar cheese, maybe this is a pasta salad that's made with a familiar Lovett cheese as well, to add a little bit of fat to that meal, beyond this, we need to begin assuming that our children will eat different portion sizes of the different foods that they prefer or don't prefer.
[00:10:35] So if they love it, I encourage parents to go into a meal, assuming that your child will probably want seconds of it. It's a food that they love, and they're likely to want a larger than quote unquote normal portion of that given food. So I want you to think about what that might look like for your child now, in the case of this example that I shared with this mom where both children wanted seconds, but one had eaten all the elements on the plate and the other had only eaten.
[00:11:07] How do we adapt to this? How do we know that we have done our job to offer what was offered and offer preferred and non-preferred foods using the Lovett learning framework, there's a variety of protein, fat, and fiber, so that it can help fill the child. But there's other ways to fill their bodies up. And sometimes that is through volume or through the quantity of the food that they might eat.
[00:11:29] So even if you have stuck to the exact same noodle and you haven't made any of the swaps to kind of boost the protein, fat or fiber being offered, your child may be asking for more of that given. And that is okay, because again, going back to the previous parts we had talked about, we want to be promoting self-regulation.
[00:11:47] We want our kids to learn how to intrinsically no hunger and fullness and how much to eat of any given food, including those Lovett foods, like in this example, noodles. So I want you to adjust your perspective on what is a quote unquote appropriate serving size based off your child's preference. If your child is learning to like some of the elements of this given.
[00:12:11] It is not appropriate to assume that they're going to eat a quote unquote standard portion. If the older child is the one who likes chicken and likes broccoli and likes the other things in the pasta salad and eats them all well, then yeah, I would expect that they would probably eat some of that. But for the other child who is still learning to like these.
[00:12:29] The reality is, is they're going to eat very little if any of these given things. And so we need to not assume that there's going to be an equal portion of all foods offered, eaten, because although us as adults often may do that, or may kind of like do a preset portion on our plate. That is not realistic when reinforcing the type of feeding environment with.
[00:12:51] Again, you are offering them that we are trying to role model that for them, we are trying to shape their feeding habits as they grow up to embrace that type of feeding environment. But if initially your kids are eating varying amounts of the varying foods being offered, that is not on you. What I want you to think about here beyond the first thing of what is being offered with the love, it like learning it framework and with including a variety of foods and food groups so that you are including protein, fat and fiber.
[00:13:20] I want you to think about when and what kind of structure and routine does your family have? Because as kids get older structure and routine will vary and families between kids and different activities that are going on and things like that. But in the earlier years, typically, there can be quite a bit of continuity in the structure and routine that a family has.
[00:13:39] And again, in your feeding approach, being neutral. Regardless of who your child is or how your child eats. And so if you and your family have a set structure for your day and a routine, this doesn't need to be a time-based structure for some families that works because you have, you know, set times, you have to be at preschool drop-off for school pickup or down for nap times, or you know, different activities and things.
[00:14:04] But in general, we want you to be following a routine where meals and snacks are regularly. With regular gaps in between so that whether your child is a little bit more picky or is a little bit more adventurous, they're both still on the same feeding routine. And they're both still learning how to self-regulate for the same amount of time in between those eating opportunities.
[00:14:30] So even though there might be one child who has. Everything on his plate at dinner and then requested seconds. And there was another child who only had the noodles and then requested seconds. The expectation would be that they are still on the same routine after dinner until the next eating opportunity.
[00:14:49] If a bedtime snack is offered, that is offered to. Both children, that is a family wide approach and they family wide structure and routine that's being upheld. Or if there's nothing else offered again until the morning, that would be the same routine for both kids. And the reason that this is really important is because we ultimately cannot dictate if, whether and how much our child eats of those given foods that we talked about as the first step being what is being.
[00:15:18] But what we can do is help our children realize that we can't just eat any and all the time. And grazing is not going to help that child who's picky become any less picky. So we want to make sure that we are maintaining consistency in the structure and routine of our families, meals and snacks, regardless of if, whether and how much a given child eats at a given meal.
[00:15:42] And this is going to help both of those children or multiple children, depending on how many you make. To develop that eating competence, to know how to eat enough for their body to go whatever the duration is until the next eating opportunity. So make sure that your main maintaining as much consistency as possible.
[00:16:03] Of course, there are many variables. If you have. A newborn and a two-year-old and a four-year-old or if you have, you know, a child who's still at home all day and a child who goes to school and their schedule is different. But if you have the ability to put your children on similar school, Or even if they're not on similar schedules during the day, but it's just that, you know, kind of end caps of the day, wherever it needs breakfast at the same time before you leave the house, everyone needs dinner at the same time at night, before going to bed, just use those end caps as your same opportunities for structure and routine so that there's not ambiguity or an inconsistency in how you feed one child.
[00:16:42] If they didn't eat their dinner or before they go to bed hungry, or if they wake up early because they didn't eat their dinner because they're hungry, make sure that this is a feeding approach that you can be consistent with, with the structure of routine for the whole family. The third and final point I want us to talk about is where again, your role as the parent is what food is offered when food is offered and where food is offered and with this.
[00:17:04] And in relation to talking about seconds, I want you to think about how are you offering these. In terms of where you're offering them. Because again, we can't dictate what our kids are eating when we can set up structure and we can help teach them that if they need seconds to help fill their bodies and to help get them the duration of time between meals, they can begin to kind of self-regulate those things.
[00:17:27] But when it comes to where our kids. What we want to be empowering them to do is to be a part of this feeding process and for them to feel freedom towards engaging in the meal and ultimately to serving themselves more of seconds and reinforcing some of those concepts that we talked about in part two about having manners and making sure everyone gets some of the meal before they, you know, have seconds or thirds of a given item.
[00:17:53] And so one way to do that. And that can be really helpful for families, particularly with kids who are seeking some of that autonomy and control in the feeding relationship is to serve meals, family style. Oftentimes I think families assume this to be some like really fancy elaborate formal Thanksgiving dinner.
[00:18:12] And that is not what it is. If you've ever seen me share our family style meals, it really truly is me just putting the containers that I cooked in right on the table. We'll put a hot pad down, put it in the middle of the tape. Everyone can kind of feed and have from the food that's available, but it's not me.
[00:18:28] Pre-planning my kids. And again, this is reinforcing that the portions of the foods that they're eating are not going to be the same. And as soon as we began offering family style to our kids, we begin to see their feeding temperaments really shine through. You begin to see where is their comfort level with these given foods?
[00:18:45] Can they not even stand this being in front of them? Can they not even tolerate this thing on their plate? Oh, is this something that they automatically scoop two heaping spoonfuls of. How are they responding to a given food? So when we can usually around like two to three years old is when kids can kind of start to maneuver serving utensils, or we may be able to hold a dish and kind of bring it next to their plate so they can put it on their plate and you can be into walk them through how much to give themselves and encourage them.
[00:19:14] You can always have more if there's still some left, but just take a little bit to start. And then as you learn, this is the food they love. I know they're going to want to. And you, as we've talked about in the other parts, you've already adjusted the amounts being offered. So you know, that there's enough for everyone.
[00:19:29] You can begin to see them have that sense of autonomy to begin self-serving and having this family style dynamic as one, that they already feel that permission to have a larger portion of those foods they love equally. So they may serve a very, very tiny amount of the foods that they are learning to like, and it conveys to them.
[00:19:51] And to you as the parent, that the objective for the meal is not the same for them to eat the same amount of broccoli and the same amount of chicken in the same amount of noodles. Instead, the objective here is to be teaching them that about this family meal experience. And I know that not every family can have a family meal at every meal let alone at every day.
[00:20:10] But when we think about where we're feeding our family, I think that it's really helpful for parents to begin to see. Where can we do a family style meal, maybe at first it's only on Saturday mornings when we have a slow morning and it's an easy meal that just feels non-confrontational for everyone.
[00:20:27] And it's pancakes and syrup and strawberries, and it's all love that foods, but we just start to practice the routine of all getting comfortable with what does it look like to have. What does it look like to make sure you don't take all the strawberries before your sister gets any, what does it look like to pass the elements around the table?
[00:20:44] Foods that I know my family already prefers, but you can use that location and you can use where you're feeding to your advantage to help support some of these concepts that we've talked about when it comes to allowing seconds. And can you allow seconds? When do you allow seconds? And then you begin branching out so that when it is a Tuesday night and everyone's spent and has short fuses and kids are ticking time bombs before bath time and bedtime, and you begin to do this family style dinner, and these concepts of can I have more common?
[00:21:17] It's not triggering for the parent. It's not triggering for the child because it's just the feeding environment that they're used to. This is where we all gather around the table. This is where I know I will have foods I enjoy. And then I'll be exposed to foods that I'm still learning to. Like, and that's just part of this environment and the overall experience.
[00:21:36] But I think if as parents, we can look at what, when and where we are feeding our kids. To help support these concepts of allowing them to have seconds and to learn these life skills that come alongside if, and when they can have more, but also to make sure that we're reinforcing a really positive feeding, invited.
[00:21:58] So that they're not feeling unnecessarily restricted, pressured, or bribed to eat something that may be a like it or learning it food. So go and try these. Let me know how they go. I would love to hear whether it be you trying to format your meals more around a love it, like it, learning it framework, trying to be more cognizant of are you offering protein, fat, and fiber to help fill your child up for longer in between?
[00:22:24] Or are you just adjusting your expectations about what a serving size actually looks like for your given child based on how they feel towards that? Or are you working on structure and routine? Are you trying to be consistent in your structure and routine? Just as we want to be consistent in the foods that are offered, we know that every kid may not eat all the same foods, but we're offering a consistent meal to each family member.
[00:22:47] We're also offering consistent eating opportunities to each family member and giving them the ability to learn how to self-regulate so that they can stay satisfied in between those meals and snacks. And lastly, Let me know if you tried the family style meal. I know that for some families, this feels one mom told me it was the huge gap of holy crap.
[00:23:08] It was just seemed so unattainable and it seemed very unrealistic to even get to that place of incorporating kids into the actual serving of the meals and portioning on their plates and not hogging all the cheese or making sure to share with siblings and things like that. So if you take that big leap to go from maybe pre plating portions on your kids, To begin letting them to decide the amount that they want and to kind of bridge some of that gap that comes up with can I have more and, you know, wrestling through that discomfort for you and giving them that permission for more as well.
[00:23:42] Please let me know, tag me on veggies, veggies, and virtue on Instagram. I love. Your guys' journeys. I love supporting you in the process and I am here cheering you on.
[00:23:55] Thank you so much for spending the time with me today. I'm glad to hopefully just get to pour into you and help give you and your family some direction in your relationship. The food and how you approach feeding your kids and raising them to be healthy, but also adventurous and competent eaters. I would love to come alongside you in this process.
[00:24:14] If this is something you struggle with, or if the context of today's episode felt like a little bit too big of a. To do alone. I would love to partner with you in this journey. All you need to do is go to veggies and virtue.com backslash schedule, and you can schedule a 30 minute coaching call with me where we can hop on and discuss some of the hurdles that you might be having in feeding your family and help you come up with some easy, actionable steps that you can implement right away so that you don't have to feel.
[00:24:44] Anymore, but can instead begin moving forward and how you feed your family.
