Promoting Self-Regulation in Kids
If you’ve been reading along for the last few blog posts, you know that the Division of Responsibility (sDOR) is an incredibly powerful approach to feeding that helps your child tap into their own hunger and fullness cues. We have covered how the sDOR is great even if (maybe especially if) your child isn’t at the 50th percentile on the growth curve, and today I want to show you how you can start using sDOR to promote appetite regulation in your child!
How Do I Know if My Child is Getting Enough?
As a pediatric dietitian who teaches the DOR to parents, I often hear questions like this one:
“My baby is 10 months old and is doing baby led weaning (except at school). He is eating a ton and I want to make sure that I'm not overfeeding. But how do I know? I usually don't give him snacks, and lately he has been waking up early to have a bottle before going back to sleep.”
Well, the best way for me to answer this question is to break it down, because there are several clues here that help us to better understand both the child’s needs and mother’s concerns. They are:
#1 Age
#2 Feeding Style
#3 Appetite
By diving deeper into each of these clues, I’ll help you figure out whether or not your child is “getting enough” if what they need to actually sustain them.
Age & Self-Regulation
Our kids have always known how to communicate their need for food and nourishment with us. Since birth, they have been the ones telling us when they were hungry, when they were full, when they needed cluster feedings, and when they could handle more at a time.
As parents, all we really have to do is keep trusting them and following their lead on this as they grow!
The Division of Responsibility adjusts to each child’s timing, tempo and feeding temperament in infancy. It keeps them in the driver’s seat, so they never lose touch of the self-regulation skills they’ve had since the day they were born. If we continue to empower them to tap into these skills throughout childhood and into adolescence, they will continue to steer their unique bodies in the direction they are innately intended to grow and develop.
And, following their lead lets you shift your feeding approach in order to better respond to their biological needs! If they’re eating less all of a sudden, you can consider whether their growth is slowing down naturally (for example during early toddlerhood) or if they might be getting sick. If they’re all of a sudden eating more, you can expect that they might go through a growth spurt.
““Children are born with many of the components of eating competence: They want to eat, they feel good about it, they know how much to eat, and they are inclined to grow in the way that nature intended for them. Feeding children according to the division of responsibility in feeding (sDOR) throughout the growing up years lets them retain those natural capabilities””
Feeding Style
Your child’s appetite (and your gauge of whether or not they’re eating enough) can be thrown off by a restrictive or forced approach to feeding.
Keep in mind that the Division of Responsibility depends equally on the parent a) taking control of what, when and where the child eats; and b) giving up control over if/whether and how much their child eats.
Sounds simple enough, but this is much easier said than done for some! Many parents have a hard time with letting our kids control how much they eat. Instead of trusting them, we override their hunger and fullness cues and ultimately impede their innate abilities to self-regulate. And, we start doing this as early as infancy.
Why do we do this?
Sometimes it’s because we want to finish off the jar of baby food or have them clean off what’s left on their plate. Sometimes it’s because we’re leveraging one food (dessert) to get them to eat more of another (veggies). And sometimes it’s because our own experiences and insecurities have led us to believe that that appetite, portions, and body sizes need to be controlled.
But no matter what led us to where we are today, the Division of Responsibility can help us restore trust in our bodies. It gives us, and our families, permission to eat again!
““Eating is okay. Eating enough is okay. Enjoying eating is okay. Eating what you like is okay. Taking time to eat is okay. Making eating a priority is okay. People feel better about eating when they acknowledge their joy of eating and go with their feelings rather than fighting against them. The theme of the second edition of Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family is the same as the first: The secret of feeding a healthy family is to love good food, trust yourself, and share that love and trust with your child.””
Appetite & Portions
How do you know if your child is eating a ton? First, consider your frame of reference.
You likely have an amount of food that you believe is “right” for your child, and “a ton” is any amount of food that exceeds it. But what is that right amount based on?
Is it based on what you, or other children you know, usually eat?
If so, remember that each child is different, and that this extends to appetite. So, instead of comparing appetites between children, help your child tune into what they need in order to sustain themselves. When you’re just getting started with this, you’ll want to offer standard portions, and then adjust to meet your child’s unique needs.
My Combination Cards can give you examples of where to start with this:
A general rule of thumb for many foods is to offer one Tablespoon of a food per year of age, but remember that these are just averages. Adjust what "small," "regular," and "large" servings mean to your child based on their appetites and whether they love, like, or are just learning a food.
The key to helping your child start to tune into their own hunger and fullness here is to maintain the Division of Responsibility and its two key ideas:
1. You decide what, when, and where such a food is offered
2. You empower your child and trust them to decide if, whether, and how much to eat
(If you’re struggling to get started with this, read more on how to establish a Division of Responsibility in 5 steps here)
Getting “Enough”
So in the end, how do you know if your child is getting “enough”?
1. By making simple observations, like this mom did.
Is your child waking up from hunger?
Are they satisfied between meals and snacks (for 2-3 hours)?
Are they getting hungry before the next routine snack/meal?
This is the beauty of structure and routine-- it gives us a clear baseline so that we can actually notice if/when our kids seem to start needing more or less food than they once did. Next week we’re covering structure and routine in more depth. Subscribe to my newsletter so you don’t miss it!
2. By periodically monitoring their child’s growth curve. We covered this in last week’s post, which you can read here.
““While many fear that giving permission to eat preferred foods in satisfying amounts will promote gluttony, in practice quite the opposite occurs...” ”
Won’t My Child Lose/Gain Weight if I’m Not Controlling What They Eat?
Whether a child is overweight or underweight, our approach to feeding remains the same. sDOR is very clear on this. But, many families worry that the only reason their child is growing the way they are is because they’ve been using certain tactics to “get them to eat” the right amounts. Parents also get anxious at times about letting a child have freedom to eat as much as they want of certain foods.
If you’re worried about your child losing weight...
As the Ellyn Satter Institute says, “feed as if you weren’t worried about your child’s weight.”
If there’s been mealtime anxiety before, your child might eat less when you first start using sDOR. But as the stress lessens, they will adjust, and any minor fluctuations in weight will stabilize in time.
If you’re worried about your child gaining weight...
Start by identifying your underlying anxieties and beliefs about size. Usually if a smaller child has a larger appetite, we don’t worry or restrict, but when a larger child has a larger appetite, we do. This is a result of our own insecurities around food and body weight, and the lack of trust we have in ourselves to know when to start and stop with food.
If you’ve been controlling your child’s food intake:
Restore trust. When you stop restricting your child’s food, they’ll regain trust in you as the feeder. When you let them control how much they eat, they begin to regain trust in themselves.
Establish consistency. Your child may gain a bit of weight up front, but this will stabilize over the weeks and months to come, as long as you’re consistent.
Regardless of your child’s size...
The Ellyn Satter Institute recommends that you:
Maintain your role with what, when, and where food is offered
Reassure child they don’t have to eat
Let your child know there will always be something he can eat
Include high-calorie foods but do not push food or your agenda for child to eat
Monitor the growth curve to ensure they’re staying near the same percentile
Want to learn more?
Check out these evidenced-based resources that dive into the principles of self-regulation and overall permission to eat:
Big Babies Do Not Become Obese Adults by Ellyn Satter. I recommend reading through this article and all of the studies it references if you want to dive deep into this topic!
Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole
Children Who Do Not Self-Regulate by Ellyn Satter
Eating Competence: Putting It All Together by Ellyn Satter
Eating Competence Quiz from Ellyn Satter
Your Child’s Weight: Helping Without Harming by Ellyn Satter
Stay Tuned!
If you’re worried about your child having a huge appetite or eating like a bird, make sure you check back in next week. I’ll teach you how to use an age-appropriate feeding routine with the structure they need to develop proper appetite regulation.
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