Postpartum Anxiety: My Journey
The Silence
Over the past 18 months, there have been a lot of potential “Saying Grace” posts I’ve written the copy for.
But amidst the hardest season of postpartum anxiety (PPA) and depression (PPD) I’ve had out of my three postpartums, there’s too a rawness you just don’t share publicly...at least when walking through it in real time.
For both protection and privacy, I often avoided even going onto my stories to ensure I didn’t say something or share something too honest. As Amy Porterfield says, “share more scars than scabs!”
While yes, it is a gross description, it is one that has stuck with me from Amy Porterfield because when I first heard it, I had so. many. Scabs. And as a professional on a public platform, I didn’t want my personal life to get so in the way of my mission it made others question me or my credibility.
I knew, at the time, I had a lot of “open wounds” (if you will) - making it not an ideal time to share much about what I was walking through. I was vulnerable and knew that I needed to work through my own stuff before I began to share in a way that might ever be able to support or encourage another.
So instead, I hid.
Y’all I hid, a lot.
I hid from showing our snack drawer with ziplock snack bags when I was too tired to wash our reusable ones and just wanted to get ahead more than 8 hours at a time. I knew someone would question my intentions around protecting our environment or the improper example I was setting in doing so. So I decided, I am just not going to share.
I hid from sharing any picture of my darling infant in his car seat because no matter how vigilant I was to properly secure him in his carseat and his carseat in our car, I knew someone who question my intentions around protecting my child or how could I let him sleep in his car seat long enough to take a picture if not actively in the car and functionally allowing it. I was just not going to share (no matter how precious that sleepy little baby was).
I hid from posting the real, messy dinners I served my three littles solo more nights than I can count. There was nothing to be ashamed of, and yet amidst our survival mode on the weeks my husband was away for work and I often nursed my son while feeding the other two, I knew someone would question my intentions around protecting my children’s diet or what I considered proper nutrition. I mean, I am after all a pediatric dietitian. I was just not going to share.
These are just three examples of hundreds that happened. These things still bring about anxiety when I post or share them because inevitably, there will always be someone who has to say something about it and who does in fact question my intentions as a mom, dietitian, or conscious human being.
The difference is now, I can handle it - the opinions, the rejection, and the at times rude remarks that may accompany these.
But the truth was, in the first year or so after having Owen, I couldn’t. I was doing everything I could just to keep life running around here between home life with three littles, running a side business during scattered hours the kids sleep, and keeping up the home amidst my husband’s long hours and travel schedule. People would often ask how I was doing it all. To which, I usually had to draw the line with being honest and saying “only by a thread,” and being too honest and saying, “I’m actually not.”
The lies I already heard in my head and the pressure I had already put on myself made that kind of vulnerability ultimately not healthy - personally nor professionally.
I think some people knew they were being snarky in sending rude messages in replies to what I did share. There was no way they couldn't have no matter what kind of humans they are. But other’s honest questions weren’t that and were never to be blamed for the anxiety they triggered in me. I put myself into a more public position professionally and want others to seek me as a trusted public health resource. But in that season, whether as protection from trolls or from the number of good and honest and yet overwhelming questions, I just couldn’t. I had to turn off DMs, stop doing Q&As, and ultimately, reign in where I otherwise wanted to reach out.
In the silence spaces
I often said to my closest confidants that at any moment, I felt like I was in a panic room and had the walls pressing in on me from three sides. I HAD to protect that fourth side from pressing in too, at least in whatever ways I could. My heart would race as I had anxiety at baseline and depressing thoughts amidst the everyday. But when something happened (the triggers that didn’t help, mentioned below), a panic attack would ensue almost every time. It was as if I had lost all ability to cope and often had lost all previous ability to be positive. It was awful. Those were hard, hard days.
But the days I could get into a groove and maintain being panic attack free (more on what did help me below), led me learn and accept shortcomings as an opportunity to look inside myself and embrace a growth mindset… even if it meant “not growing” my business (or at least not as exponentially as many of my respected peers) in order to protect my mental health and ultimately my family.
Everyone’s experiences with postpartum depression and anxiety are different, so I don’t even want to fixate here on what was normal to me in those days. For one, I am trying hard to let those scabs heal and the scars toughen up. I don’t really want to go back to those unless doing so can bring additional healing. But the other reason I won’t spend much time there is because I know that each one of you who has reached out already sees a red flag either in your own life or that of someone you love. You know something is off and you see them struggling. And that, at the heart of it, is sometimes all we need to “know” to know we need to do something to help - be it ourselves or a loved one.
Breaking the silence
The examples I gave above that I wouldn’t share, day after day, week after week may seem so petty to you or even now to me (in hindsight). They are small, and often, they truly were in that moment.
But at the time, when I was facing the biggest mental warfare I have yet found myself in as a mom, it was a lot. A LOT. And it prevented me from showing up to serve you all in the way I otherwise so desire to do.
I have always valued being authentic and vulnerable about my own struggles (in feeding my family and beyond) with my online community. I tend to be the wear my heart on my sleeve, open-booked type so being reserved with emotion or life happenings is actually harder for me than just laying it all out there - especially when I know any part of my story might help someone else in theirs.
It is why I even started to mention that PPA was a struggle of mine. And as I began to drop subtle mention of it, why I have been willing to open up more about it when many of you have since started to reach out to ask:
What helped?
How did you make it through?
Any advice when I am in the thick of it?
But the reality is, for each one of you who has reached out to ask about my experience or how I made it through, I know there are so many others who may be struggling in silence. My heart breaks for what I know you are going through. I wish I could answer each one of you tenderly to what you are walking through and yet specific to examples from my experience that might serve you. But I know I can’t - either because you never reach out to begin with or because I don’t have the time to write and you don’t have the time to read this all.
That’s why now that the light at the other end of the tunnel is starting to shine through again for me here, I felt it was time to share in one central place that any could reference if/when they wanted or needed to.
Owen turns 18 months this week and it seemed like the time I could officially prepare to turn the page on this chapter for our family. This has been my journey til now. It isn’t going to represent everyone else’s experience or opinions on the topic, and I don’t nor won’t pretend it does. But it is mine, and if it helps even one other mom know they aren’t alone in their postpartum journey, then I hope this was worth the vulnerability it took me to expose the new scar tissue to.
Why I am now sharing
Some months ago, I listened to a podcast from Amy Porterfield and Jazmin Starr that talked about their own experiences with depression and anxiety. As two entrepreneurs who I avidly followed and deeply respected, hearing them open up and share that they too had struggled with anxiety (or depression) was a turning point for me.
They... struggled... too.
And still....
I needed to know, I needed to see, I needed to hear firsthand that someone I already admired so much had waded through the waters I was in and still went on to do great things.
I hope if you have followed me for any length of time and have ever found reason to find reason to respect me too, it will bring deep encouragement to your soul to know: I struggled to.
I spent much of my life to date wrestling the lies of perfectionism and in a performance-driven personality. While perfectionism and performing has long served me well and been much in part why I have ended up where I am today, as my therapist wisely said recently, “these voices and ‘this girl’ no longer serve you well.” So as I break free from living under that kind of fear, I hope it might give you the freedom to also.
There is a part of me, who like others I have met, finds it cathartic to the healing process to share such newfound freedoms. There is another part of me that is utterly and completely terrified about what kind of response could come from this. I know many of you follow me for tips and tricks on how to handle your kids and advice on creating a positive meal time...not for this kind of thing.
I don’t want to air my issues or pollute my corner of the internet with negativity. Not then and especially not now. I am for evidenced-base nutrition and actionable ideas for feeding your family. But more than ever, I am also for empathy and encouragement, honesty and imperfection. And how dietitian or not, that joins all of us as moms on a deeper level than what just meets the eye (or makes its way to our stomachs!).
Who This is For
I need to start out by saying that if you or someone you know find yourself in crisis, PLEASE stop reading this article and call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “Talk” to 741741. I pray for any of you who find yourself needing to take this next step.
This post is not professional advice and does not replace medical attention, when needed. I do not cover the signs and symptoms of postpartum anxiety (PPA) or postpartum depression (PPD) in attempts to clear this article from being received as any form of medical advice or diagnosis. Instead, this is meant for information and encouragement only, should my journey through PPA support you or a loved one in theirs.
This post is for other moms who may be struggling with some extent of postpartum anxiety or depression. I see you. I likely understand a bit of what you are walking through and I hope that in reading bits of my experience, you will feel seen. I want you to know, you aren’t alone. Even if we have never met, I believe those of us who have gone through this have an obligation to one another to say, “I know. I get it. You are not alone. You will make it. You are enough and the exact mama your child(ren) need...even right now.” There is an unspeakable bond among moms fighting mental health issues, and often without any words, this explains so much via virtually nothing said at all. So please hear me in short share: You will get through this. This won’t last forever but while it lingers, you are seen and you are valuable. Your “and still”… is still there. You still have an amazing life ahead of you and while the scabs cut deep right now, they will someday be scars that give you a sensitivity to the struggles of others. You are needed more than you know, for your family but also your future. So keep fighting a good fight.
This post is also for others who may know a mom who is struggling. Please, be gentle and kind to her. Don’t just pass it off if she opens up to you; that means she trusts you enough to confide in you. Help her just to know, she’s not alone, it isn’t her fault, and she can put one foot in front of the next even when it is hard and heavy to do so. She needs friends who know her and see her for who she is, not who judge her based off of this season. Be that friend to her. Remind her of all her and still… Don’t belittle what she is walking through but remind her what still waits on the other side. Sometimes the light at the other end of the tunnel will feel impossibly far away for her. Don’t assume she is being negative by choice; be a light in her darkness. Keep her flicker alive and remind her the light in her life and in her heart will get brighter again. She needs that.
What helped
Inner Circle
As mentioned, I didn’t share a lot on social media publicly in the midst of it, but I daily leaned on my lifelong best friend and my cousin. My husband didn’t understand it nor did some close friends in my daily circle, so I needed people who could hear me and see me and yet knew “the real me” outside of everything. I wanted to know that person would come back and yet I had tremendous anxiety others would judge “the current me” when I was having panic attacks around the friends who didn’t know all of what was going on. I needed people who believed I would “come back” to the real me, would say so, and yet who gave me time and permission and space and freedom and support until I biologically even could.
My Encouragement: Find a couple people who will check on you multiple times a week. Just a “Hey, how is it going?” and yet who see you and know what you are going through can make a monumental difference to how you go through each day.
Supplements
I have a dear dietitian friend, who as a breastfeeding mom herself, shared these supplements. While I would encourage you to speak to your healthcare provider before starting any of these, I found empirically that these helped me sustain a more calm disposition on the day to day basis when taken regularly.
Ashwagandha (I take one by Pure Encapsulations)
HPA Adapt (I take one by Integrative Therapeutics)
Liposomal GABA with L-theanine (I take one by Quicksilver Scientific)
I use FullScript for all of my supplements or those I recommend to clients. While I am not currently taking on new one on one clients, I encourage you to see if your healthcare professional may be available in your area to help you look into these or other supplementation options.
My Encouragement: Consider if/what supplements might support you before or alongside medication, particularly if you are breastfeeding.
Medication
Please know, I have nothing against medication being used to help with mental health. Looking back, I wish I had gotten help earlier so that I had that more seriously considered it as an option. I imagine it would have helped a lot. I read several mom forums on Facebook from fellow moms with PPA who medication had helped. However, when I finally went to my OB to share more about how bad my struggles were getting, she suggested another route so that is not something I can speak to.
When I went to talk with my OB about the anxiety, there was a lot of conversation about, “How much of this is just the chaos of three?” However, we were almost 9 months out and I knew it was only getting worse, not better. And for an otherwise organized person, I knew this wasn’t just about managing more kids. This was about managing my hormones.
Because I was on the mini pill while breastfeeding (our personal choise to prevent unplanned pregnancy at the time), here is what my OB recommended. Again, this is unique to each woman and each family, so please speak with your medical provider or postpartum support network to evaluate what they would suggest as your next step.
These were mine:
Because I was so close to the one year mark (to potentially wean Owen, although I planned to breastfeed past 12 months), she suggested I not start an anxiety medication that could take time to find the right dosage on (before weaning could change my response to that). She suggested I take a regular dose birth control pill instead.
However, since I had approached my PPA after my second pregnancy this way, I knew the impact it had on my milk supply. That was not something I was willing to sacrifice - even for my mental health - with our third and final biological child. So at the time, my husband and I opted to move forward with a vasectomy. While this does not ensure immediate protection from unplanned pregnancy, this was the route that we prayerfully felt was best for us.
It was at that point that my anxiety was at an all time high and I remember telling my husband, “I will never put a pill in my body again. I can’t.” Still to this day I haven’t shared so much of where my head was at in the moment of that decision. But I still have that final, empty pack of birth control in my Joshua Box. I then scheduled my husband’s vasectomy (with his permission) for the next available appointment. This is a whole other topic, but in short, I have always wanted 4-5 kids. However, seeing how much harder the postpartum anxiety was after my second and then exponentially worse after three, I knew prayerfully that I was not up for a fourth postpartum.
Initially, we saw some encouraging hope following the months of my going off the mini pill. But then, when I started to wean my son and went from three feeds a day to just two, so much of the anxiety came back. That was ultimately why I decided to wean more quickly and completely than my initial plan of more extended breastfeeding.
My OB had suggested that I could consider revisiting the conversation of medication again after my son was fully weaned. But by that time, I started to feel I could manage the day to day with less anxiety (note not none, just less and more tolerable amount of it). So I still have never gone the medication route. Again, I share this so you know I don’t have experience with it and can’t answer questions about my experience with it, not because I don’t think it has a rightful place in helping fellow moms work through mental health.
My Encouragement: Seek help early and be open to medical advice while also honoring your truths for what fits your needs and those of your family.
Diagnosis
When I thought it was a me problem, the burden of my anxiety was truly unbearable. But as I began to open about what was going on with close friends and my OB and identified this as a condition, it helped me to name the issue rather than inflict it as a personal flaw or shortcoming. For me, admitting by name that PPA/PPD was something I struggled with was a big step to start working through it rather than wrestling inside myself with questions about, “What the heck is wrong with me?!”
My Encouragement: There is nothing wrong with YOU. You are a beautiful mom, created by the hands of a loving God, designed as the parent to your unique child. Just like your child, you are nothing short of a miracle in the making. Keep going. You don’t have to identify as a diagnosis just to find relief from it.
Therapy
I started looking for a therapist within a few months of my son’s birth. However, as many moms with small kids at home can attest, it is very challenging to find time to make appointments that your kids cannot attend with you. For anyone who has followed me for awhile, you know we went through a long struggle trying to secure a part-time nanny situation and ultimately didn’t secure one until my son was almost one year old. In the meantime, I thought that finding a virtual therapist might be helpful.
To do this, you can search by type on Psychology Today and select for one who accepts virtual clients.
For me, even though this allowed me to fit in a session after preschool drop-off and during my son’s morning nap, I still found myself too guarded when I was at home vs in their office. I was too inundated by everything else needing to be done, and when anxiety was so much of the issue at the time, that made it hard to focus and not feel the pressures of home life while in session. I ultimately stopped with that therapist and went many months without.
Now, I am in a season where I thankfully have reliable childcare one day each week and can make regular sessions a top priority. I am truly so thankful for that hour each week and only wish I had started sooner. If you are debating therapy, I pray you find someone who is a good fit. I know it is a large financial commitment (not to mention emotional step), but you might consider asking your OB to write a doctor’s note for your sessions. For what it is worth, I know our family’s HSA was willing to reimburse counseling when accompanied by a medical note.
My Encouragement: Find out what kind of resources you might have available to you to get therapy. Inner circles are important, but therapists are the experts at giving you their undivided attention and uninterrupted time - fellow mom friends, are not.
Running
I found that for me, running was a very cathartic outlet. Moms often ask me how I find time to exercise with three small kids. I don’t. I found I had to make time - for my mental health even more than my physical. Often, this meant setting my alarm for 4:45 to go out for a run before everyone else woke up or my husband left the house. As much as I wanted and knew I needed sleep, I noticed a difference in my anxiety the days I ran versus on the ones it didn’t.
It should be said that in the early days, I did not get up early. My third child was a typical infant like any other. By 6 months though, we were blessed that he found his groove with nighttime sleep and was sleeping through the night. That was when I would get up, pump, then go run. But in the early days of being up multiple times a night, I did not run. I would make time to take just Owen for a walk or jog on the days I felt up for it when my other two were at preschool, but that would just be if he and I were each/both up for it.
My Encouragement: Find an outlet. Be it art or exercise, find something calming and create routines that support you to do such things.
Faith
In all honesty, I could have led with this. But I know for some of you, it would have immediately made you click away. You still have full right to do so, if you so choose, as I know some people prefer not to hear about other people’s faith.
However, I am a Christian and I write this post with Christian beliefs, values, and hope over those who read it. I know for some, that won’t relate. But for me, if you want to know what helped me more than anything, it was my relationship with God and trusting in the power of Jesus over this season.
I was raised in a non-Christian family and am surrounded by many non-Christians in my life whom I deeply love and respect. But for me, their “good vibes” didn’t carry me through this season. Their kindness and compassion was a blessing for sure, and a particular few were often my worldly anchor amidst everything. But on my own, without an inner circle to hold me up, I found I needed the Truth of God’s word every day and most often, throughout the day to sustain myself in this season. My own mind was a wild, insecure place and yet the stability of God’s promises and the security of His faithfulness amidst postpartum anxiety and depression was always what brought me the most peace. Finding Scripture that spoke to me and could become the meditation of my mind or worship music that made my heart pour out the words I did not have to say carried me through...a lot.
I also want to mention, I found tremendous grace and forgiveness through it all because of my faith in Jesus. As a mom, we teach our kids to apologize to others all the time and for matters big and intentional as well as small and by mistake. But I felt in this season, the Lord made my heart so tender to the need to show my kids how to apologize myself. It was humbling and yet, knowing God’s forgiveness was over every mistake I had made shifted my perfectionistic, prideful nature into one that was more humble before my children. Within the appropriate limitations of what was age-appropriate, I wanted my children to grow and learn from the season and be touched for good by both my humility and shortcomings. It was often hard, and I failed at this a lot. But I knew they saw or heard me say I wasn’t myself many times and while that scared me at the core of “what kind of mom I could become,” I also had to trust that God could use even the mess I was to still bless my children and point them towards Him through what we walked through.
For more Christian perspective on motherhood and mental warfare, I encourage you to listen to the Don’t Mom Alone podcast as a whole or this recent episode itself with Jennie Allen. I wish it was one I could have listened to when I was in the thick of my own warfare. Even now, I gleaned so many pearls of wisdom and nuggets of Truth from the conversation. Guest Jennie Allen also shares about her new book, Get Out of Your Head, as a valuable resource for moms in this struggle.
My Encouragement: Seek Truth amidst a season that spews so many lies and so much deceit. Scripture and worship music may bring unspeakable comfort when you otherwise don’t feel like anything cuts to the core of how you are feeling while nurturing those very needs. If you don’t know where to start with finding this, email me and I would love to encourage you.
What did NOT help
Pressure to do it all
Amidst my first year postpartum, I juggled a lot of balls and felt like I could never stop nor set one down without later facing the repercussions (aka increased anxiety) of it. Between being a stay at home mom to three, having a husband who works long hours and travels, no family who lived in town, a son diagnosed with multiple food intolerances, and owning my own growing business, my attempt to “do it all” often I think was that fourth wall that crowded in on me.
I started Veggies & Virtue in April of 2017, so by August 2018 when my third child was born, it was finally becoming a viable business. With that hard earned growth, came a lot more hard work. While I found work as an outlet I loved and enjoyed amidst the postpartum season, the demands it put on me I know didn’t often help what I was already struggling with. If I had set work aside at all, let alone for even a short “maternity leave” of sorts (which I didn’t stick to), I do think it would have helped my mental health. However, I was in the mode and mindset that I needed to “push through” versus “give up.” The latter scared me more than the repercussions of the former so I just kept going, as best I could. I think giving myself permission to take a break could have been a big help though, and encourage others who need to give themselves permission to do so before it becomes as paralyzing as it often was for me.
My Encouragement: Know what you can say no to, then say no. And don’t feel like you owe anyone an explanation or apology when you do.
More Chaos
I admit, one of the hardest things for me that first year were play dates - particularly those at my home. The added chaos of more kids in my home, how loud it was (noise was a huge trigger for me), preparing food for everyone (and the expectations that came with that from both myself and others), and often a house that was left in an utter mess afterwards was A LOT. (Yes, I have a strict policy my kids help clean before they leave other’s homes but that isn’t everyone’s policy.)
That left play dates a very stressful thing for me. As a stay at home mom with multiple days a week at home with all three kids, I had always loved playdates and the community they offered before. But after numerous panic attacks when hosting, I realized they were not healthy for us in that season and that was hard. I had several dear friends I had to text after the fact of their coming over where I apologized for being “off.” In whatever ways it manifested, it was always awkward because most of those in my inner circle were those closest to me who lived out of state - not those who lived close by enough to come over for a playdate. I felt like I needed to limit a lot of otherwise enjoyable social interactions or outings to protect those friendships, because I was so scared I would jeopardize genuinely good friendships amidst a season when I wasn’t “myself.”
My Encouragement: Limit social situations that bring more harm then joy. Protect yourself and your kids, and know your polite “out” when that feels in any way compromised.
Guilt
Similar to something Amy Porterfield shared here, I felt guilty. I would look at my family and my home and everything about our lives and think, “We have all the right pieces for an amazing life. Why am I being so negative? I shouldn’t be complaining.” I felt so guilty. I had a faithful marriage, a husband who financially provided above our needs, and three healthy, happy children. My third was even the easiest baby of the three! We have a wonderful home in a safe neighborhood. I get to do what I love professionally on the side of staying home with our kids. We have a connected church family. I had strong physical health and yet, the torment in my mind was rough. I felt like I should be able to justify how thankful, grateful, and happy I was from our circumstances and yet I felt so guilty that I couldn’t.
My Encouragement: Count your blessings, and give thanks for all things. Then know this is a head issue; don’t let it become a heart issue.
Fear of Judgement
When you isolate yourself, you can minimize a lot of opportunities for judgement. But in an influencer space where thousands of people see your organic unfiltered stories, accidental typing errors, or honest exposure at life, my fear of judgement and anxiety from feeling overexposed became too much.
I saw peers Instagram’s account thriving and growing at record speed, and yet, I couldn’t get on some days. I would record videos or take pics to share from the casual day to day, often with stories for context or tips to share, and yet….they never left my camera roll because I just couldn’t take the criticism on top of everything else.
I admire those with thick skin, but in the season, everything felt like an attack. Especially those comments that others said without considering what someone on the receiving side of them may actually be going through. It was a deep reminder to watch what you say to or about someone, because we truly never know what another mom is walking through.
My Encouragement: Know where you are safe to be vulnerable and where you may not be. Always remember that you never know what someone else is truly going through when you see them solely from the outside.
Comparison
Why am I struggling? What is wrong with me? How are they managing all of this so much better than me?
Oh, the lies I let myself believe were bad.
In a culture that thrives on the comparison of mere glimpses into someone else’s lives, it is so easy to compare ourselves to others. Even those whom I hold tremendous respect for as people or professionals became ones I would love at, in utter admiration, and ask, “How do they [fill in the blank], and I just [can’t/am not/suck at it]?” This was another reason I had to set healthy limits on how much time I spent on social media.
My Encouragement: Comparison is the thief of joy, so if you find yourself without joy, consider if and where you inundated yourself with unhealthy comparisons. Then, protect your habits from allowing your mind wander too far down those rabbit holes.
The fear of “not coming back”
The fear that I wouldn’t return to who I once was was a major fear. I remember when a loved one said, “But what if this is just who you are/how you are now?” I felt crushed. I remember bawling and pleading, “We can’t believe that.” I wanted to know it was a season, to trust it would stop, and to hold onto the promise that the “old me” would indeed come back...but hopefully not in some jaded form.
My Encouragement: You WILL be back. And, you - the real you - is still there.
And still...
As I mentioned towards the beginning of this, I needed to see someone else as the example that went on and still:
Accomplished their dreams
Had thriving relationships
Showed up for their community
Poured into others
Shared their gifts
Lived their lives unjaded from their past
So while I know I’m not the influential level of Jasmine Star or Amy Porterfield, I know how much their willingness to be vulnerable meant to me when I was in the midst of all this.
If I can be an “and still...” example to even one mom in the valleys of a hard season - be it PPA/PPD or something else - I will feel that putting myself out there in this way was worth the risk of being vulnerable.
I faced PPA and still...I am here and showing up for you stronger than ever because of what I went through. I hope you knowing a bit of my experience might help you see a bit more of my heart in doing so.