78 // Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles
7 Ways to Enjoy Time Together at the Table
The holiday season can be such a joyful time. We relish the time with our kids and enjoy creating lifetime memories. But one of the quickest things to steal our joy is the stress we experience around holiday gatherings and meals. We worry about when they will eat, what they will (and won’t) eat and what others might say about our feeding choices. There are too many variables that we can’t control, and we get anxious trying to envision all the possible scenarios.
The formality and often unspoken expectations around holiday gatherings can often create a lot of challenges for both parent and child. However, we can prepare ourselves and our kids so that the joy is not stolen from these moments and memories that we're spending as a family.
That’s why I am sharing the concept of a dress rehearsal. This is one of the most effective things I’ve seen parents do to prepare their kids for holiday festivities- particularly ones that include food. Just like a dress rehearsal does for a performance, a food dress rehearsal allows us to prepare our kids for what they can expect when the curtain goes up and it’s time for a holiday gathering.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: What to wear
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: When to eat
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Where to ear
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: How food is offered
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: How long should kids stay seated
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Conversations at the table
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Expectations for being excused
7 Tips to Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: What to wear
Make sure your kids are comfortable. This sounds simple, but we can get so caught up in dressing up for gatherings that we don’t stop to consider if our kids are comfortable. If we put them in an outfit that makes their skin crawl, we wind up in a power struggle well before the meal begins.
Perhaps you have a sensory sensitive child, or one who dislikes tight shirts, fancy shoes, or tags on their clothing. Regardless, have them try on their outfits in advance.
We know that sensory input comes in many different forms, and how our kids feel in their body can affect how they approach the table when it’s time to eat. We want to make sure that they are comfortable and centrally regulated before they join the meal.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: When to eat
When is this holiday meal or holiday event going to happen? Maybe there is a set mealtime that is very different from your normal mealtime. Perhaps there is no set time, just “when everyone gets here”. You may also be wondering if your child will even eat amidst the other distractions and excitement.
To help avoid low blood sugar (and the resulting grumpiness) consider feeding your kids something substantial before you arrive (or before your guests arrive if you’re the one hosting). That way, if there is a delay before the meal, your kids will still be well-fed and not on the verge of a hangry meltdown.
We also know that holiday gatherings can be a full day event So, when possible stick to normal mealtimes and nap times, there will be less unpredictability and more familiarity around these events.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Where to eat
When thinking about arriving at the table, consider where the kids will sit, will they be comfortably seated, and who are they going to be seated near.
It can be a lot of fun for kids to decide where they will sit, or to help assign seats at the holiday table. For some kids, helping them think through who will be at the table, and who they will sit next to may help mitigate any potential pre-meal meltdowns.
But also think ahead for yourself. Will there be kid-sized cutlery and cups, or will you need to bring them? Where will you sit in comparison to a child who may need more assistance? Does your child typically sit in a booster seat, and will they be comfortable if they don’t have one?
Brainstorm through what your child needs before the day's event. Don't expect others to know or remember if special seating, cutlery, cups, etc. are needed for your child (and you) to enjoy the actual meal.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: How food is offered
Consider how you typically serve food in your home. Do you serve food family style, or do you pre-plate food for your kids? Maybe something in between? If the holiday meal will be served in a different style, prepare your kids for what that will be like.
Is your child familiar with the love it, like it, learning it approach? Reassure them that there will be something offered that they enjoy- even if it’s only fruit or bread.
It is also helpful to prepare your kids for how to appropriately respond to foods that they are unfamiliar with or are just learning. Practicing the love it, like it, learning it approach at home in advance is part of the dress rehearsal.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: How long should kids stay seated
What type of set up will this meal be? Is it informal, with a kids table and they can come and go as they please, or is it more formal and they will be expected to remain seated for at least 10 minutes?
Whatever the arrangement may be, you’ll want to set realistic expectations and work through the time dynamics with your kids. That way, they’re not blindsided by you telling them that they have to stay at the table until everyone is finished eating- especially if you didn’t practice that in advance.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Conversations at the table
Inevitably, your child may say “yuck” to a food they didn’t like, or become extra wiggly in their seat and not stay at the table.
How will you respond when your child only eats bread and butter, and what type of commentary are you going to have to protect your feeding approach and protect your child if they’re doing what you’ve already done in the dress rehearsal?
Learn appropriate one-liners to use at the table with family members who may feed differently than you do in an upcoming episode.
Prevent Holiday Feeding Struggles: Expectations for being excused
What will your planned exit from the meal look like? What about in case of a mid-meal meltdown or if you have to quickly get your potty-training toddler away from the table and to the bathroom? How will you excuse yourself and/or your child? Will someone help with that or the kids left at the table, like a spouse, a grandparent? What are the terms to return to the table (in the case of a meltdown)?
Deciding on how to handle these possible scenarios can help you remove yourself and your child from the table more calmly and confidently, no matter what scenario may play out.
In Summary
Walking through these seven things in advance of upcoming holiday gatherings can help make sure that you, your child, your family or friend group can all enjoy the holiday season and all the fun that comes with it, as much as possible.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] When our routines are off and relatives are around as parents, we can stress a lot about the holidays, particularly as it applies to feeding our kids. Because whether you have a selective eater who does have a little bit more picky eating tendencies and may struggle with eating some of this holiday food and just.
[00:00:17] The holiday fair in general, being less familiar to them, or you're facing an outspoken family member or friend who is speaking their unsolicited opinion to you or in front of your child at the table. I hear from parents every year how stressful the holidays can be and how difficult it can be to know how to stay consistent in our feeding approach when there's such little consistency around the holidays.
[00:00:39] That's why in today's episode, we are going to highlight seven of the most common holiday feeding struggles. I. Families share and the solution so that you and your child can be as set up for. Come all the holiday gatherings and meals to come.
[00:00:58] Hey Mama, I'm Ashley and welcome to the Veggies and Virtue Podcast. In this podcast, you'll find simple menu ideas, kitchen organizational systems spelled out for mom life, and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence based in grace laced. I believe that you can find flexibility. Defeating your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:01:17] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, I want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long. Pull up a stool at my kitchen counter and let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the meal times, messes moments, and ministry of motherhood.
[00:01:38] The holiday season can be such a joyful time, and I know as moms we all relish in those moments and just those keepsake memories that we're trying to create with our kids. But I also know one of the quickest things to steal our joy, Is the stress that can also come with them. And oftentimes, specifically as we talk about feeding our families and the nutrition around our kids and what they may or may not be eating at the holidays, I see our nerves as parents, but also for our kids getting in the way because we don't know how to handle the potential.
[00:02:10] And that makes us nervous and that makes us anxious. And we can speculate a million scenarios of what may or may not happen at these different holiday. That we're planning on attending or hosting. But one of the most effective things I've seen for parents to do to problem solve is to do what I like to think of as a dress rehearsal.
[00:02:28] So why do we do this dress rehearsal? It's because we need both parent and child to feel more at ease when the actual event comes. And just as we do, if any of you have kids who are in dance classes, the same concept is true as we think about preparing for holiday. Because there can be a lot of different people and eyes being projected on our children, but also making judgments or assumptions that we might.
[00:02:54] Think that they're thinking about us as parents. There's a different environment that our kids aren't used to performing in, or in this case eating in. And sometimes that just boils down to something as simple as they're sitting in a different type of seat than their norm, or they're wearing a different outfit the day of.
[00:03:11] Than what they're most comfortable in. So this formality and often unspoken expectation around holiday gatherings can often create a lot of challenges for both parent and child that I think we can prepare ourselves and our kids for so that we're not stealing the joy out of these memories and these moments that we're spending as a family.
[00:03:33] But instead, we feel like we have done the dress rehearsal and we're ready the day. So before we jump into discussing what these seven holiday struggles often may be and how we can solve them preemptively by doing a dress rehearsal with our kids and or our family as a whole, I want you to just sit in that theater seat with me for a minute.
[00:03:54] If you're a parent who has had a child who has had a dress rehearsal, let alone a dance recit, You know this feeling, you know this feeling where it comes to the recital day and the lights are on and the stage is large and all the parents are sitting there the day of and the kids are all dressed up and you know, leading up to that day, you signed your child up for his or her dance class, and we've ordered the costume.
[00:04:22] She's dressed in the outfit and we've done this little makeup ordeal on a small six year old or something of sorts. That can kind of be a process in and of itself. But you know, you packed their shoes, You maybe tucked a snack in there, depending on how long the time is gonna be. You filled their water bottle and you've been taking her to class for months and months and months, and you assume that she's been learning the skills She.
[00:04:44] To perform on that stage. But ultimately, when you're sitting in that theater seat and they're doing what you hope they've been trained to do, there's very little that you can actually do to control what happens when those curtains are pulled back and they come out on stage. Because as adorable as she is, and as much as you love her in as hopefully, as much as everyone around her wants to encourage her, the reality is she could come.
[00:05:09] And just stand there like a deer in headlights with those big theater lights on her. And sometimes kids perform and they're darling and they do their little dance, whether it's, you know, what they were quote unquote supposed to do or trained to do or not. And you may capture one of those precious little family, keep fake videos where everyone's eyes are on her and her adorable amount of courage and effort to perform in that moment.
[00:05:33] But I think as parents, we've also been in a situation where it's been our kid who just comes out and stands. And they just freeze under pressure and they feel all the eyes of the world on them. And we just wanna step in. We wanna encourage them, we wanna protect them, we wanna be there for them, but ultimately they are on stage and we are in our theater seat, and there's just not a lot we can do.
[00:05:55] In that moment. So if you can just visualize that moment with me and have that be part of what is preparing your heart and your perspective for these holiday gatherings as we talk through what these seven things you can do to prevent some of these struggled situations are, we can very quickly then think of how the dress rehearsal helps us prepare our child and prepare ourselves so that when the day does come and when they are put out there and you know, able to.
[00:06:23] That everyone's as comfortable as possible and everyone's going to be able to quote unquote, perform under the amount of pressure that just can come with things like holiday gatherings. You want simple, healthy, kid approved meal and snack ideas, but you're feeling tired of scrolling, social screenshoting, a recipe idea, pinning ideas only to feel annoyed that your inspiration rarely leads to execution.
[00:06:48] As moms, I know we want to offer nourishing variety to our kids, but how do we get away from offering the same few foods on repeat? When the busyness of our lives demands routine, Friend, I get you and I understand the. Because as a busy moment through myself, I have had to spend years finding the strategies and the systems to simplify meal times.
[00:07:07] Some of you may remember that before my son was born, I shared a simple idea that I was going to start remaking muffins in anticipation for my postpartum muffins, for something that I knew our family could enjoy any hour of the day or night. By pre-selecting healthy recipes to make ahead and freeze, I knew that this was one simple.
[00:07:25] Stack that I could actually achieve even when very pregnant with two extra little kids helping in the kitchen. Fast forward four years later, and this is still something that you all ask me about again and again and again. Tens of thousands of you have joined me over the years for Muffin Club as we bake together and spend time.
[00:07:41] Lightning. Our mental lot is moms one small sustainable habit at a time. I would love to have you come join for this year's Muffin Club, taking off November 11. All you need to do to sign up is to go to veggie using.com/muffin club. It's going to be really simple recipes with ingredients that you already have on hand, including all my family's favorite seasonal flavors of mines, Things like pumpkin, apple, and berry orange.
[00:08:07] So be sure to get signed up@veggiesintu.com slash. So just as we compare this idea of a dance recital and the intent of the dress rehearsal, preparing our child and us as parents really to just kinda walk through the process and the routine for something like that recital, I want us to see how easily an applicably it parallels to holiday meal times.
[00:08:34] Because when we think about how anxiety can reduce appetite in our. We need to know that whether we have a picky eater or not. It is really common for kids to struggle with eating at big holiday events. There's a lot of distractions around them. There's a lot of demands spoken and unspoken. Being put on them and doing something like a dress rehearsal can really help.
[00:08:55] So how do we do this dress rehearsal? First and foremost, it sounds a little silly, but I want you to think about getting dressed either literally or figuratively. But one of the things that I think can help us to most quickly adjust our expectations is recognizing, are our kids going to be comfortable if we are dressing them up for family photos at grandma's on C?
[00:09:18] We might be putting them in something that makes them very uncomfortable. And we all have probably been in this as parents when we put out an outfit for our kids that they refuse to wear, and there's already a power struggle and a battle well before the, the holiday meal is even there. So I want you to think about is the outfit that you're going to be dressing them in that day, one that they've ever even worn?
[00:09:40] And if not, have them try it on, Make sure they're not complaining of the tags or the feel. You know, one of my deeply sensory kids is very, very, very particular to the way clothes feel. And I know buying new clothes, particularly for things like the holidays, can be really challenging because I can think it is as cute as can be, and maybe style wise, something that she would like.
[00:10:02] But I know the moment she looks at it, she's gonna. N her skin crawl before she's even put it on, if it's something that's gonna make her uncomfortable. And the reason this can be really important is because in the hustle and bustle of the holiday and the day of these big events, as moms we are coordinating so many different things.
[00:10:20] We may be getting the house ready for company over, We may be trying to pack up the whole family to go to something. And there's so much going on that we can. Overlook this, and we can often hustle our kids through this, but from a feeding perspective, we know that the sensory side of the way our body feels towards foods, let alone to our sensory input in so many different forms, including the clothes that are on our bodies.
[00:10:45] Can be a huge part of how our child approaches the table. And so with the environment and their sensory input being such a huge part of how kids approach feeding, we wanna take a minute to think about this. In advance of the day of and in advance. So we know that our child is going to be physically comfortable, centrally regulated so that before they've even walked into the house of whomever is hosting, whether it be our own home, which obviously adds an added layer of comfortability to the environment or someone else's home that we know they're comfortable.
[00:11:21] So first and foremost, Check how your child is dressed. Number two, be aware of the timing. When is this holiday meal or holiday event going to happen? Because as adults, we know that these can be all day things, whether we're hosting or going to someone else's house, and that can change. Maybe it is a set, we're eating our holiday meal at 2:00 PM Well, it also might be then where we want everyone here at.
[00:11:47] And we're not going to eat until 5:00 PM Well, you know, as a parent that that's going to be adjusting not only your child's nap, potential nap time, but also things like what, when and where they just ate. And you want to preemptively think about this preemptively, ask the questions with whomever you're having this holiday gathering with.
[00:12:06] What time do we plan to eat? And if it's something that has flexibility and you are able to, you know, adjust the timing of it and your family or your friends are willing to accommodate, so it is around a child's nap time. Of course, keeping your child's routine as normal as possible is going to help a lot because we're, we're controlling the environment as much as we can so that there's that many less unpredictable or new and unfamiliar.
[00:12:32] Going into this holiday meal, but you also wanna be looking at, do I need to feed them something substantial right before we go so that if we get there and there's an hour of kind of meet and greet and everyone's talking and cousins are playing and things like that, and then there's a delay until we eat.
[00:12:48] I know that they're not on the verge of melting down because while as parents sometimes we can fall into this, tend. Of wanting to go to these gatherings with a big appetite ready to, you know, eat of all the different things For kids, it can often be the opposite, and sometimes we can do a better service for them by making sure that they have some known preferred foods ahead of time so that they're less susceptible to low blood sugar.
[00:13:14] Or kind of being in that hangry state before the meal has even began, especially if the meal might be something that's not as preferable or familiar to them. So make sure that you're reinforcing their regular routine as much as possible, but they're, you're also looking in advance at the schedule of the day and making sure to time meals and snacks appropriately around whatever that main.
[00:13:39] Third, we wanna think about arriving at the table. And this can seem really simple, and yet I think a lot of us can probably even remember back to when we were kids or remember with our own kids how fun it can be to think about things like, who are you sitting with at the table? I know with my own kids and their cousins, it is a big deal where they get to sit.
[00:13:58] And while it might be a fun way to engage your kids in the holiday meal, to have them help make place settings and to put that out in. Again, this is just mitigating one potential meltdown before the food has even come out. So helping your kids think through, These are the people that were going to be there.
[00:14:16] This is how we might be sitting. You might be sitting next to your favorite cousin, you might be sitting next to. Me your least favorite person at the party because you're so excited to see everyone else. But if we can help them think through their seating arrangements and where people might sit, who will be, you know, helping your child if they need food cut or items passed to them.
[00:14:37] Just kind of brainstorm through this and prepare your child in advance, but also begin thinking in an advance for yourself of if my husband and I need to sit on each side of my child, particularly if it's a younger, smaller child who needs more assistance in. We want them to know that that's what the situation.
[00:14:55] The setup is going to be in advance so that they're not kicking and streaming screaming when we're trying to put them in the high chair before the meal has even began. We can all see how that would elevate the stress in advance of the meal even beginning. This also helps you as the parent to kind of think through some of these things that other people on holidays may or may not be thinking of.
[00:15:15] If you have small kids who still sit in a high. Or a booster seat or require certain, you know, more kid friendly cups or cutlery and things like that. You wanna make sure not only do you have it packed and ready if you're going to someone else's house, but you've thought through some of those things so that we're considering how we can make our child as set up and positioned properly at the table so that people just, as you know, we mentioned clothing and we don't want them to be in clothing, that you're gonna be snapping at them for every time they may spill something.
[00:15:46] We also don't want to be, you know, putting our kids in a situation where they're sitting somewhere where they're not able to even stay seated because they're in a chair that's very uncomfortable for them, or size wise, is just not an appropriate fit for them. So thinking about when you're arriving at the table, where they're gonna sit, how they're going to be comfortably seated, who they're gonna be seated by, can be a really helpful way to prevent some of those problems that can commonly.
[00:16:14] As we continue to walk through this dress rehearsal scenario, we wanna think about how food would be served. It might be really informal potluck, especially for really large family gatherings or friends givings or things like that. And you might be pre plating your child. If this is really familiar with how you already do it at home, then walk through that process with your child and just reassure them how that's going to look.
[00:16:36] However, for some families, they're. The only time family style meals are happening can be at the holidays, so if elements are gonna be passed around the table, and there's this formality and fancy dishes in China, and heavy, large dishes meant to feed a large group. We wanna prepare our kids for this is how it goes.
[00:16:54] This is how we politely handle this. This is how I will appropriately help you because you may or may not be able to pass some of these serving dishes. How are, how is your child going to feel when something passes in front of them that they don't tolerate visually or the smell of, or things like that.
[00:17:10] We wanna talk through how these foods will be. so that our child's ready and prepared, but we also wanna make sure that we've practiced in advance. Is your child comfortable with a love it, like it learning it approach? Are they reassured in advance that there will be something offered at this holiday gathering that they enjoy that might be only the site of fruit or the bread and butter and things like that?
[00:17:31] But we need to make sure that our child is reassured that there will be something that they enjoy, and that might be the item that we volunteer, that we are providing for this gathering, being something that we know our child likes. But we want them to also understand that they might be getting a little bit of something on their plate that they're less familiar with.
[00:17:50] That's a less preferred food. That is a learning it food and the etiquette around how we expect them to handle something. An unfamiliar green bean casserole on their plate, even if we know they may not eat it, and there's ways that we can adapt how we're presenting it and portioning it for them. We want our kids to be prepared with appropriate responses, and the best way to do that is practice this love like learning and approach at home in advance, just as we would address rehearsal before a dance recital.
[00:18:18] The fifth thing we want to think about is. , long will our child be expected to stay. Seated is this one where there's a kid table and it's really informal and they're able to just kind of come and go as they please, which can al well, That's wonderful and can help In some ways it can also be challenging because our kids are that much more prone to distraction and maybe that much less inclined to stay seated and to actually eat, and then that becomes more challenging for you as the parent to know when was the last true eating opportunity that they sat and had a sit down meal or.
[00:18:50] And how to be help them, you know, self-regulate in that structure of the day. So whether they're at a kids' table or as a part of a larger family table, and there's etiquette around however your family wants to handle it, is it that they need to stay seated until everyone's done eating is the expectation that we want you to stay seated for 10 minutes.
[00:19:10] How do you want them to do that? Because we need them to understand that in advance so they're not being blindsided by us saying, You need to sit until everyone's done. And then when their grandpa takes 45 minutes to sit and eat and chat and have seconds, and your child is. Really struggling at that point, as many kids would.
[00:19:30] That's just not an appropriate expectation for you to put on a child, especially if that hasn't been practiced in advance. So make sure that you've worked through the time dynamics that you, um, you intend that they'll be sitting at the table so that you know that they are physically able to sit for that amount of time.
[00:19:47] So the sixth thing I want you to think about here. Piggybacks on what I was saying with number five, with expecting, you know, how long they stay seated, that they sit in their seat, that they're not climbing up with other family members, things like that. But the sixth thing goes on too. How are you responding and how is the conversation going while they're sitting at the table?
[00:20:07] Because as we will cover in an upcoming episode about how to respond to family members who may feed differently than you, you need to think about how you're going to protect that space that your child still is at the table, but may choose to not be. last I, what I want you to think about is your exit strategy, because ideally you know that your child is going to wonderfully walk off stage when the music ends and do as they're supposed to do.
[00:20:35] But we have all been in scenarios where we know we need to have an emergency exit strategy with our child, whether it's because our child's potty training and we need to help them get up from the table quickly to go use the restroom, and it's kind of. You know, emergency approach, or we might see that our child just has hit that part of the day where they've behaved as best they can and they're beginning to melt down right as the actual meal begins.
[00:21:01] And so doing something, like thinking through your exit strategy as a family in advance, is that you or your husband. Or a loving grandma who's going to remove themself from the table with your child. Step in there and know exactly how you're gonna excuse yourself, how you're gonna be excusing your child, and what is the expectation in order to return to the table.
[00:21:22] Sometimes as parents, we know we miss out on the moments that we've planned and prepared a lot for like a holiday gather. Because our child is just not able to behave appropriately in that given environment. And so think through how you are gonna handle that, because then you will be that much less disappointed in what's going on, and your expectations will be that much more in line with what's actually happening.
[00:21:46] So to wrap up, I want to just remind you of the seven strategies that you can use to help prevent some of these common holiday mealtime. I want you to think about how you can first get, Make sure that they're dressed and comfortable. Consider the environment and how they feel from a sensory perspective before they have even approached the table.
[00:22:09] Second, I want you to think about the timing of the meals and snacks and that are going to be offered and how it aligns or doesn't with your child's regular routine so that you can help prepare them with naps and snacks accordingly for the day. Third, consider how you're going to arrive at the table.
[00:22:25] Where are people going to be sitting, who will be sitting next to your child to support them in the eating process? Making sure your child has an expectation around that, so there's not any disappointment before they've even taken a seat. Fourth, we wanna think about the food being offered, making sure that they're.
[00:22:41] Is a preferred option always available and that your child is comfortable with the love it, like it learning it approach and how to respond when some of those learning IT foods are passed in front of them or put on their plate. Fifth, we wanna think about the expectations for how long our child will be staying seated at the table and how we will help reinforce that.
[00:23:01] Six, we wanna think about how are we going to respond when our child only sits there and eat spread, and what kind of commentary are we going to? To protect our feeding approach and to. Our child and them doing what we have already done, the dress rehearsal to empower them to feel comfortable and confident doing when it comes to self regulation.
[00:23:22] And last, we wanna think about our exit strategy. How is the planned exit from a meal look? But also what are we going to do in the case of a meltdown or a moment where we need to remove ourselves in our child From the table walking through these seven things in. Of your upcoming holiday gathering can make sure that you and your child and your family or friend group at large can all enjoy the holiday season and all the fun that comes with it as much as possible.
