38 // How to handle picky eating at potlucks and in other public settings this summer
How to handle picky eating at potlucks and in other public settings this summer.
Where to start & what to do so everyone gets fed (but not fed-up!)
I would love to be the dietitian whose kids ate anything and everything at a summer barbecue. From marinated meats to grilled veggies to an assortment of mixed pasta salads and fresh green salads, there are so many foods I love about summer...that my kids won't touch.
I recognize that I am not alone in this, especially considering how many times I have seen parents carefully make a plate with the 1-2 foods their child *may* eat.
Besides the distractions of other kids making it hard to sit still and the foods that are likely prepared differently than what's offered at homes, kids -- especially picky eaters -- can really struggle with what to eat when at summer gatherings.
Our kids struggle is our stress. So let's lay down some ground rules for your next summer potluck. With a clear understanding of your role in the feeding relationship and how this applies to social scenarios outside the home (like backyard barbecues or picnics), your family can head to these gathering with a plan and peace of mind that isn't dependent on if and what your picky eater eats.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] I would love to be the dietician whose kids ate anything and everything at a good summer barbecue or backyard potluck from the marinated meats and seafoods to grilled veggies, the pasta salads, the fresh green salads, the fresh fruit and fun summertime desserts. There are so many foods about summer that I just love and I could eat right up, but I know that my.
[00:00:23] Will not eat, let alone maybe even touch. And I know I'm not alone on this, especially after how many times I have been at one of these gatherings and I see other parents carefully make a plate that maybe has one or two foods on it that their child might eat. besides the distractions of other kids that make it hard for children to sit still and actually eat the foods are often prepared differently than maybe the way that we do at home and our kids.
[00:00:50] Particularly if they're already, maybe what we consider, quote, unquote, picky can really struggle with what to eat when it comes to these summertime gatherings. So, because I know that our kids struggle can sometimes become. Our stress. I want this episode to lay down some ground rules for your family's next summer potluck so that you don't have to stress and your child doesn't have to struggle, but instead everyone can enjoy their time at a summer potluck.
[00:01:21] Hey mama, I'm Ashley, and welcome to the veggies and virtue podcast. In this podcast, you will find simple menu ideas, kitchen, organizational systems, spelled out for mom life and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence based and grace laced. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:01:40] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, I want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long, pull up a stool at my kitchen counter. And let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the meal.
[00:01:54] Messes moments in ministry of motherhood.
[00:02:02] So as we dive into this as with many episodes that I share, I'm going to go back to our feeding foundation. And I want you to think through the phase of the meal times made easy method that I share about feeding roles. I want you to think about your feeding role, even when it comes to a potluck and everything about the feeding dynamic is different.
[00:02:23] And the reason I bring this up is because this is one that only you as the parent can preemptively kind of think through, because yes, you, in terms of what, when and where food is offered, that is your job. But something that we often don't talk about as much in the division of responsibility is addressing the who.
[00:02:44] Who are we talking about here? Who is this potluck with? And this goes before your responsibility of deciding what, when and where the food is being offered. And I want you to think about who will your child be eating around because this can make a big impact when it comes to really any gathering, especially as we, you know, in upcoming months as we get into the holiday season, I'm sure I'll have more episodes on this, but I want you to think about who is your child eating with at this given.
[00:03:13] There's gonna be times where you eat with friends and you know that your child's playing with tons of friends and maybe so distracted by being there with their friends that they eat very little. There also might be times that, you know, your child is eating with, you know, maybe say, it's your adult friends.
[00:03:31] And they know. very few to know kids, and they're more close next to you and more interested in their food because they socially may be less distracted. There also might be situations where you are at grandma and grandpa's or, you know, extended family members' houses. And you know that they may or may not feed their kids or their families or your kids and your.
[00:03:52] The same way that you approach it. And I want you to think about this in advance, because so often this is one of the conflicts that I see becoming the greatest issue for families. When it comes to summer S and summer gatherings as parents, we often feel this sense of self-preservation that we don't want people to portray their opinions on our kids or their approaches to feeding on our kids.
[00:04:17] And so we get in these really sticky situations where we either feel the need to kind of violate what our role in the feeding relationship is. And to maybe like bribe our kid to eat this before they get this, or to force them to take a few more bites before they get up, or we can kind of backed in our approaches to try and get our kids to do things because we don't want others to see our.
[00:04:39] As a quote, unquote picky eater or, you know, someone who's, you know, being ungrateful for the food that was offered or things, or we might see other people trying to do that to our kid and other people using that type of language around our kid. So the first thing when it comes to potluck is I want you to analyze the environment that you think you're going to be in and who you will be with, because this will dictate your role in the feeding relationship in terms of what, when and.
[00:05:04] you were offering your child different foods at that given potluck. So I want you to kind of play through different scenarios. If it's an unfamiliar scenario, you may have never been in before. You may have to kind of guess how you think your child will respond, how the people around you might respond.
[00:05:20] But if this is a familiar situation and family or friends that your family is very familiar with, and it's a situation that you've seen played out before. think through it proactively to think through how can we handle this potluck or this backyard, barbecue in as positive pressure, free and playful out of the way as possible.
[00:05:40] And so I want that to really be your foundation that you go into this with when you're thinking through your feeding roles and to feel really empowered in your feeding roles that you have already thought through how you want to handle. It does not matter if it's how others think you should handle this, you get to make the decision and all summer long, you get to proactively adjust and adapt as needed as upcoming potlucks and opportunities present themselves.
[00:06:07] As you learn more about your child and the way that these environments impact the way that your kid eats. So I just wanna put that out there first, but then as we get into the roles specifically of what went and where that your food, the food is offered to your child. and if, whether, and how much your child eats first and foremost, I want you to think about what, what are you contributing to this potluck?
[00:06:31] Or if it's not a potluck where everyone's bringing an item to this backyard, barbecue, if you're hosting, you obviously tend to have a little bit more say over the menu. And so that should be a pretty given that you wanna make sure that there's love it, foods available alongside some of those, like it and learning it foods for your kid.
[00:06:48] But if you're going to someone else's home or to another. and you are bringing something the biggest thing on your mind, and the biggest criteria should be that you are bringing something, your child loves. You might have a dish that you love. You just have your go-to pasta salad that you bring everywhere.
[00:07:06] You're known for every summer. Great. Then bring it. But if you know your kid doesn't eat it, you need to be bringing another thing as well, because. it might be that you deconstruct the pasta salad and that you bring some of the ingredients separated for the kids to kind of make their own pasta salad rather than have it.
[00:07:23] Pre-mixed plenty of parents would probably love if someone just brought butter noodles to a potluck, but I want you to think through what can you bring that is a, love it food for your chop, because the assumption needs to be that majority of the other foods offered. At worst are learning at foods and at best, or like it foods.
[00:07:42] And I say that because even if it's a food, your child typically loves someone else has prepared it and their chances are, they prepared it differently than you do. So depending on how particularly your child is with their love at foods, how many qualifiers kind of come into what qualifies as a, love it food?
[00:07:58] Are they very specific or are they more adventurous? You know, that there's going to be things that they may. choose certain chicken or the chicken that you and your you or your husband make, but the chicken may be prepared differently, or they may like steak when you prepare it a certain way. But the steak at this party is different or they might like hamburgers, but something here just feels different about 'em.
[00:08:23] So make sure that you bring something that's preferred and familiar to them, knowing that most of the other food may or may not be preferred and may or may not be familiar to 'em. So. The first thing in your role of what went and where additionally, I want you to think through, when is this happening? As we know, when it comes to holiday season, potlucks and gatherings are not always on our time schedule.
[00:08:47] Again, if you're hosting, I would encourage you to host in a time that's conducive with your child's daily routine. And when they would typically eat, have that be when, as a gathering, you are planning to eat, but when you're going to someone else's. It may conflict with nap time. It may conflict with your nighttime routine then, or may be far later than you would typically offer your child.
[00:09:08] So you need to again, think through these things in advance of when the event is happening so that you can help your child prepare. If you know, you're taking your child to a potluck hungry, then you probably should either expect that you need to feed them right. When you get. or that they're gonna have a men or that they're gonna have a breakdown because they're hangry before the food is offered.
[00:09:30] So what you wanna adjust and think through is what can you give them before you go? Oftentimes, what I will do is feed my kids a big snack in advance of a gathering or a potluck. I may give them something like a really hearty fueling smoothie for them to drink on the way there, because unlike during our day to day where I don't want snacks to disrupt their next meal, When I don't have as much say in when that next meal is happening, you know, we live in Texas.
[00:09:57] People love to smoke meat here. That is the most variable gathering food ever. I can't tell you how many times we have gone to be with friends who have say, smoked brisket or put something on the smoke and it was supposed to be done three hours ago, and it's still not done. You can't mess with a man in his smoked meat here in Texas.
[00:10:16] So you just have to learn to adapt. But with this, I have also learned. , it is better for my child to show up at someone's home full and not melting down or not, you know, being kind of in that whiny I'm hungry, but food is not yet ready to be put out or eaten by everyone phase. Then for me to be trying to emphasize that spacing between, well, they had a snack at three o'clock when they woke up from nap and we're going to our friends at four o'clock.
[00:10:44] So it's not really time for a snack. , but I'm also leaning heavily on the assumption that food is going to be offered again by five or six. And so if that meal gets pushed back or something until later, this could be a problem. And so when you think through, when I would say the best thing you can do is err, on the side of caution, make sure your child has had a full large, you know, mini meal or large snack before you go.
[00:11:13] So that when you get there, if weather and how much they eat is going to be up to them when that food is available. And typically if you do happen to eat at the earlier end of when you get there, you know, kids are so easily distracted at potlucks and gatherings that from my experience, even if you have them sit together and all the kids sit.
[00:11:33] They often are still gonna come back later to kind of revisit that plate or for a second helping of something. And so I, in my eight years of parenting have not seen this backfire in very many situations, whether it be from summer potlucks, all the way into the dynamics of the play out in the holiday season.
[00:11:52] So I would really encourage you to think through when the meals are gonna be offered and how can you help set your kid up in advance so that they are not getting too hangry? In the time in between, lastly, I want you to think about where, and this comes down to something. I was just saying, even if you can get your kids to all sit together, to have a meal or a snack or a.
[00:12:17] You know, AOR sport or whatever, they're gonna have pick a location where children are supervised and seated. And this is a safety thing. And if any parent, again, parents might question you on all of the aspects of your feeding approach, but this is one that if you are armed and ready, and I don't say armed as in like you're ready to be combative.
[00:12:37] But you're armed and ready with a one liner that is very respectful, but it's very clear and it's really non-negotiable of, we choose for our child to be supervised and seated when they're eating. That's it it's that simple. And most parents would be fine with that. And so, you know, that we have chosen where our child's sit sitting to eat.
[00:12:57] So if they're eating, they need to be here. And again, if your kids get a little older, you know, I'm less concerned with say like my eight year old doing this now than I was when she was a toddler. But even with my three year old, there's still things where I don't want him running around with food in his mouth and unsupervised.
[00:13:14] And so make sure that you either pack a blanket that you can just put out or that you maybe bring those little camp chairs, the smaller ones for kids, so that they have a seat, even if there's not necessarily seats available for the kids so that, you know, You have done that, but piggybacking off of this goes into the next role and that's the role for our kids of if weather and how much they eat.
[00:13:36] And I want you to think through what are your one liners going to be when it comes to if weather and how much your kid eats? Because again, anytime we get outside the walls of our home and other people are watching how we feed our kids and how our kids. , you might get questions about it and you might get pushback and you might hear people's unsolicited opinions.
[00:13:58] We have all been in these situations, myself, very much included. And so I want you to think through what are your respectful responses going to be when someone comments on if weather and how much your child eats? Because again, those roles. Are not yours. You do not get to decide if, whether and how much your child eats.
[00:14:17] When you continue to re reinforce these in the feeding relationship, your child continues to learn how to gain competency in deciding if, whether and how much they're going to eat in a variety of social situations. And we wanna equip and empower our kids for those types of situations like summertime barbecues.
[00:14:36] And so think through what your liner might be when someone says. You can't eat dessert until you've finished your hot dog. Are you really gonna let them only eat one bite? I can't believe, you know, there's so many comments out there that might be said. And so I want to encourage you just, as we think through who we're going to be around and the comments that might be said, I want you to prepare in advance just the way you would prepare whatever item you're bringing to the pot.
[00:15:06] With what your respectful responses are going to be when those types of things come up again, like the supervised and seated comment, you don't need to get into a big conversation. You don't need to feel in conflict with these people. You can have a really respectful response. That's short and sweet, but that also implies I'm not opening this up for conversation and I'm not asking your opinion.
[00:15:31] This is how we approach this as parenting and then move on to the next thing and continue to support your child. And so one of the things that I would encourage you to do is don't call your kid picky. Even if they're showing picky eating at this potluck, make sure that you are standing up for your child and standing up equally.
[00:15:52] So for your family's approach to feeding, because if someone. Sees that your child is eating in a way that's quote unquote picky. You wanna support your child and you wanna reinforce the feeding principles that you are using and the feeding roles that your family values, even if the child is not necessarily showing that there's some model citizen for adventurous eating at a young age.
[00:16:17] Lastly, I want to touch on how much your child. Depending on whether or not you serve meals, family style, being that the food's kind of in the middle of the table or offered at the counter and kids get to self-serve something like a potluck might be kind of unfamiliar to your kid and they might need your help to show them what is appropriate behavior around.
[00:16:38] Self-serving. And so, you know, at a potluck, it's very easy for a kid who's unfamiliar with this approach to serving. If they're used to having everything pre plated, you might choose this, that we're just gonna continue and stay on course with that. And prepl at this potluck, but if your child has had practice self-serving at home, help them practice self-serving at something like a potluck and show them how these concepts of having larger portion.
[00:17:02] Is not intended to restrict them, but it's intended to reinforce manners. I talked a lot about this in my three part series about more and manner. and, you know, allowing our kids to have seconds and things, but I would encourage you to help your child learn to self serve in consideration of others and always know that they can come back for more.
[00:17:22] We've all been at a potluck where more is then no longer available when you come back for it. But to help our kids understand. Some of the social etiquette that comes into things like a summertime potluck.
[00:17:36] It has been a joy having you on podcast today. And if you've enjoyed it as well, I have a quick favor to ask. Do you mind hopping over to apple podcast and leaving me a written review? This will only take you a hot second. But it truly blesses me every time I get to read one of you right over there. And it allows me to bless others through this podcast and the episodes to come.
[00:17:55] The other thing that you can do is to take a screenshot of this episode and tag me over on Instagram at veggies and virtue, I would love to see what action steps that you're taking from this episode, and also to support your family in the journey moving forward until next time. Thanks for coming over to chat at my kitchen.
[00:18:11] Remember that you'll always have a seat and a snack leaving for you here.
