34 // How to keep the tone at mealtimes comfortable and yet still push our child out of their comfort zone?
How to keep the tone at mealtimes comfortable and yet still push our child out of their comfort zone?
The analogy you MUST understand to overcome picky eating this summer.
Feeding our kids is A LOT like teaching them to swim.
And as much as we might wish a sink or swim approach would work when introducing them to new foods, the frustration many parents face each day reiterates that forcing them to take a bite isn't a sustainable nor stress-free approach.
Instead, much like taking our kids to the pool, there are some steps we need to go through in order for it to be a fun experience for everyone. These are SIMPLE and something that we often do without thinking when it comes to packing the pool bag and applying sunscreen before teaching our kids to swim. But too often, we speed past these steps and disregard their importance when it comes to teaching our kids to eat.
So if you like analogies, this episode is going to translate all of the professional feeding jargon you need to know to help your picky eater find breakthrough. Using the "Steps to Eating" as the evidenced-based approach, Ashley gives you clear advice that is as obvious as the sunscreen that hasn't been rubbed in on your child's cheeks. This is an episode you want to dive into!
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] Feeding, our kids is a lot like teaching them to swim, whether it be with myself or other feeding experts. You've probably heard this analogy used several times. And there's good reason for that because even though we might wish a sink or swim approach worked when it comes to introducing our kids to new foods, the frustration that many parents face each day, and at each male reiterates that forcing our kids to take a bite isn't a sustainable or a stress-free approach to.
[00:00:26] Instead much like taking our kids to the pool, which many of us are probably in the habit of doing right now with it being summer. There's some steps that we want to go through in order for it to be a fun experience for everyone. And these are simple and often steps when it comes to going to the pool that we do without even thinking about it, like packing a pool bag.
[00:00:46] Applying sunscreen before they get in the water. And some of the safety measures that we take once our kids are in or around the water, but too often, we speed right past these steps and disregard their importance when it comes to teaching our kids to eat. So if you like analogies, this episode is gonna be right up your alley because I am going to translate all of the professional feeding jar.
[00:01:07] That you need to know in order to help your picky eater have a breakthrough this summer. Another thing that feeding experts like myself are often trained in and will often refer to is something known as the steps to eating, which is the SOS approach by Dr. K Tomi. And it's a phenomenal approach. However, there's so many intricacies to it.
[00:01:27] So I wanna break down this feeding jargon as our evidence based background to what I'm coming into this episode. To give you really clear advice that is as obvious to follow as the sunscreen that hasn't been rubbed in on your child's SHEEX. So let's take a dive into today's episode and get you suited up for summer.
[00:01:48] Hey mama, I'm Ashley, and welcome to the veggies and virtue podcast. In this podcast, you will find simple menu ideas. Kitchen organizational systems spelled out for mom life and feeding tips and tricks that are both evidence based and grace laced. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen.
[00:02:07] As a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself. I want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long, pull up a stool at my kitchen counter. And let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for. It's time to chat about the meal times messes moments and ministry of motherhood.
[00:02:28] So to give some context to today's episode, this came about a few months ago with my own kids. And part of it was, I was just noticing that there were some foods that they have been exposed to hundreds of times, and I just felt like we weren't making as many gains in terms of steps to eating. with those foods that we weren't getting any closer to them actually eating the food, even though I was offering it and they maybe were on their plate and the kids may poke around with.
[00:02:56] I just felt like we were getting kind of stuck. And while this is something I often talk to clients about for parents to kinda wrap their head around, it was something that I decided to talk to my kids about and we did a little activity with it and my kids really took to it. And if you listen to my five year anniversary episode that I did with my daughters, they both brought this analogy up, which I thought was really interesting because of all the things we do on a daily basis in my home to reinforce the feeding principles that I talk about on this show.
[00:03:26] I thought it was really interesting that they both talked about it and to hear how they both talked about this specific approach to feeding. And so I just wanted to share it with you guys today because knowing that swimming is very top of mind right now with it being the beginning of summer, and, you know, either whether you have a pool or you're going to the pool often, I am such an analogy person, person, which you hear me share often.
[00:03:51] But I think that there's so many parallels that we can. C and also have as takeaways that are not defeating or discouraging, but instead, so enlightening and encouraging. And so I just wanted to share that because once, even though I knew all of this and I'm very, you know, I'm trained in the steps to eating and I'm obviously trained as a dietician.
[00:04:15] And I work with parents on this. Once I talked to my kids about it and we kind of went through an activity that was really child led, you know, I talked with them about it. But they really took it and ran with it ever since. It's something that, as a family, we've been able to reference back to so many times in a way that is not full of pressure.
[00:04:37] It does not change the tone for being one of really being positive and playful mealtime experience. But it's one that resonates with them on their levels. Again, my kids right now at the time of the airing are eight, six, and three. So this is something that works for all of their ages and stages. And I know it's something that could really resonate with you as an adult and as an a parent, but also with your kids, particularly in a season where swimming is such an, a, an obvious analogy.
[00:05:04] So where I wanna kind of take this. The thinking that we can know that we're exposing our, some, our kids to something that they would enjoy. And this is kind of how I brought it up with my kids. I said, you know, I'm not ever gonna ask you to do something that I don't think is safe. That's number one, but I'm also going to expose you to different experiences and adventures and opportunities that are new.
[00:05:30] And sometimes new things feel scary and feel unsafe. So I prefaced my kids with that, but what I then shared with them and the parallel I made for them is that what if we had gone to the pool hundreds of times, and yet they still had never even put their foot in the water and we just began dialoging about this.
[00:05:54] And I just asked them, you know, like, what do you think you would miss out on? You know, both my girls are on swim team. This. Owen plays playfully in the sun or in the pool and enjoys the water. But I was talking to them about what if I took you to the pool and I kept taking you to the pool and I never pushed you to get in the water.
[00:06:14] But with that, you also never initiated getting in the water. And we kind of just hung out on the side, the pool all summer, year after year. And I asked them, what do you think mommy should do in that case? Do you think it's a good mommy to let you miss out on something? that I think you could enjoy, or do you think that we should just wait it out and just miss years and years and years of playing in the pool together because you are not sure if you're ready and you feel a little unsure and unsettled and maybe UN unsafe with what the water offers you.
[00:06:50] And you know, if this is a conversation that you feel like you could have with your kid, I think it's such an eye opening experience because you get to kind of understand swimming. and through the lens of your own child, and you can quickly compare it to how you approach feeding that specific child, that specific child's temperament, but also as a family.
[00:07:15] And so something I talked with the kids about is I'm never gonna ask you to jump in the deep end. If you're not comfortable, that would not be safe. That would not be considerate. That would not be something that mommy feels comfortable doing, but we began talking through what are all the dynamics of swimming?
[00:07:36] What are all the steps to swimming that we have to work through so that we do feel comfortable so that we do feel safe so that we do feel sure of the experience that we're going to get. Sure things can happen. But as we started kind of brainstorming through the tears of this process with my own kids very quickly, It mimicked the steps to eating latter that I know from a feeding perspective.
[00:08:01] And so I wanna share that with you guys today, because I think having a visual of this progression is so important for parents because so often we just assume eating is automatic. It's the two step process we offer something, we offer new food, the kid eats it, Bing bang, boom. It should be. so straightforward and yet myself and I know so many of the parents I work with.
[00:08:25] And so many of you who are likely listening to this feel stuck. You feel like you've been sitting on the side of the pool for years, and honestly you might wanna kind of toss your kid in the pool and just be like, I'm done with this. This patient approach is not working. Yeah. We're being a positive and you know, meal times are fun and playful and you know, it's, it's peaceful.
[00:08:46] but are we really making progress? And I understand, because again, that's where this came from with my own kids. I'm just kind of talking through, let's talk through how we feel comfortable with this, because we can see that a kid is not swimming yet and very easily and UN emotionally equated to their age or their experience level or their personality type.
[00:09:09] And it may be frustrating for us as parents, particularly if it comes to, you know, safety around water and things like that. , but we often don't think of our kids being able to eat the way that we do our kids being able to swim yet. So before we jump into some of the dynamics that I want you to think about, I wanna just give you a quick little example that again, I would encourage you to assess kind of your children or child on.
[00:09:37] And that is what works with each kid. Doesn't work for every. You know, when I look at what we did with my two daughters versus my son, we enrolled each of them in the exact same infant survival swim program. I've shared with about this on Instagram, at length before, but living on water, we decided that that was the approach that my family was comfortable with, which I'm sure I'll get plenty of comments because it is kind of counter what I'm talking about here.
[00:10:03] But regardless my point, being that, the approach that we used with the girls. You know, they were right around 12 months when we started men, they were both swimming very effectively and independently by two years old. And we had the survival steps in place. It was good with Owen. We did that and then COVID hit.
[00:10:27] And so he spent months and months out of the pool. And then we did another program with him a year later and he. Kind of caught on and then quickly forgot between like spring break and summer, and here he's going on almost four. And we still have not got him to grab on and understand the concepts of swimming, the way that the girls did at twice their age.
[00:10:51] And, you know, I think about this because he had, you know, the pandemic, which was a barrier. We don't have a pool, we live on a lake, but we don't have a pool. And so he wasn't getting that constant exposure the same way that the girls. Because pools were closed and we couldn't go to friends and things like that.
[00:11:06] So there were more barriers, but there's also an element of just temperament, different kids take to different things in general, in terms of the approaches that work, you know, now we're trying different approaches with Owen than we did with the girls, because we're seeing the approaches that worked with him.
[00:11:20] Aren't proving to be successful with him. But additionally, we see that there's just different things that are going to. Spark the interest of, or get the engagement of different temperaments. And that can be towards learning how to swim and most definitely learning to eat. And so, as we think through the process of taking our kids to the pool, I want you to think through the process of inviting our kids to a meal and how we can feel it's a success, even if they don't quote, unquote, learn how to.
[00:11:54] That given time. So first I want you to think about the preparation. When we talk about going to the pool, any mom or dad knows that packing for the pool. If you don't have a pool bag, that's like kind of pre-packed and ready to go on a given basis that in and of itself takes forever. And if you have a kid who's in a swim diaper, you know that they've probably already peed themselves before you're even ready.
[00:12:13] I've definitely been there for that too. But when we talk about getting ready, you know, I think about like in the morning, we're talking about it, we're talking about what we're gonna do that day. We're preparing their minds and their bodies for what's to come. We're actually tackling the tasks of getting ready.
[00:12:29] We're often putting on swimsuits, getting our coverups we're packing, helpful tools. This might be towels or floaties or goggles or dive toys or any kind of those kind of novel things that our kids enjoy. When they're at the pool. This might be you know, flotation devices. If your kid doesn't know how to swim and things that help kind of aid them in wherever their skill level is at.
[00:12:52] But we do spend quite a bit of. Tactically preparing with the things that we need to bring, but also engaging our kids in that preparation process. And I want you to think about that in terms of meal times with your kids. We want to talk about the meal that we're going to be having or saying we are starting to get ready to have lunch.
[00:13:11] These are the things that I need to prepare. I'm washing. Fruit or vegetable, I'm starting to cut this. I'm going to toast the bread. You can engage them in some of those preparations. So they are more aware of what to expect as it comes time to actually sit neat. Additionally, you wanna think about what kind of helpful tools are going to either make the experience more exciting and enjoyable and engaging for your kid at the table.
[00:13:39] Or what kind of aids might help them be more successful in eating. And so we want to take that time to prepare and see that it's a time to prime our child for the experience to come just as we would, you know, prime our child for the experience to come. If they're, you know, not sure what to expect. Once we get to a pool or friend's house with a pool or something like.
[00:14:03] next step. We want to address how, when we get there, say when we get to the pool, we often would take some time to settle in. You know, we'd kind of figure out what chair and what amount of shade coverage we want. We'd put our things down. We'd kind of unpack whatever bags we need. We'd get everyone there.
[00:14:19] Things. If we haven't applied sunscreen, we'd be doing all that. Any mom knows all this song and dance, right? Well, the mealtime routine is the exact. So often we can just scoop our kid up in the middle of play, plop 'em down in the seat and expect them to dive right in. And yet that's not how we approach this.
[00:14:39] We wanna think about how we take time to settle in to the meal. We wanna help our child transition to the table. We want to, you know, help them settle in that they may need to wash their hands ahead of time. They're gonna need to put any toys or devices or distractions. They need to come and sit and get comfortable in their seat.
[00:14:59] They need to, you know, make sure they have their cup and their forks. And again, any of those helpful tools that we had just talked about and we want them to begin to settle in so that they have a calm disposition as they approach this experience at the meal. But also, so they know that we are prepared, we are ready and this is inviting an experience to come.
[00:15:20] But the real thing I wanna D dive into and talk about is assessing the comfort level. Once we have prepared ourselves, once we have settled in, then we begin to assess comfort level. And this is really where the activity took off when I was talking to my kids about it, because when we talked about it's time to dive in, if we're talking about it's time to dive in with a new food and it's time to take a given food for a.
[00:15:47] So we would have a new food and we would look at it and assess our comfort level. And we would say, do I feel ready to like run and jump in? Am I gonna Cannonball in the water? Am I ready to just like high dive in with this food? Would I make a big splash, a little splash? Am I barely tipping toeing near the pool with this food?
[00:16:06] Like this food makes me uncom. We wanna kind of address where our kids approach this, because often this is the step that we completely miss when it comes to the steps to eating, we just assume a high comfort level with all foods, it with a love it food. Sure. They might be ready to dive right in with it, gobble it up, no problem, but for a learning at food that they have a lot to learn about, we want to help them explore.
[00:16:33] That thing so that they can learn more about it. So that comfort level increases and in doing so, they get closer and closer to eating it just the way they would, if they were getting closer and closer to getting in the water and actually trying to go for a swim. So let me walk you through some of the examples and the questions that my kids and I were chatting through, and you'll kind of see the process of how each one is a little bit further.
[00:16:56] In the steps to getting in the water and learning how to swim and how that parallels the steps to eating and getting them to actually taste or eat a given food. So, first we might wanna kind of talk about what does it look like? You know, when my kids and I were drawing this, we just used dry erase markers on the little window.
[00:17:12] That's right near the kitchen table. The kids thought that was really fun, but we called each of these fish. The fish were just little fish that were in the water somewhere near the surface. Some were down. but you can see kind of the fish near the surface were very simple concepts. Like what does this food even look like?
[00:17:29] I don't have to touch it. I don't have to be super involved with it, but if I'm standing by the pool, I can tell you what the water looks like. Just the way. If I'm sitting at the table, I can tell you what a food looks like. This is a step to eating. We want them to visually tolerate something just the way we need them to visually tolerate seeing the pool.
[00:17:47] Any parent who has had a child, scared of water knows that that is a big step and the same. With new foods, the next kind of fish, a little lower down in the water might be, what does it smell like? And for them to engage with it from a smell standpoint, if you're at the beach, you smell the water, you can smell the salt water.
[00:18:06] If you're at a pool that has a lot of chlorine, you can smell it. But we also might talk about what does it sound like? Let's listen to someone who makes a splash in the pool. What does that splash sound sound like? Well, with eating, what I would often do with my kids is say, what does this sound. When I crunch into this celery stick, what does it sound like when I bite into the raisin?
[00:18:30] What does it sound like when I eat the peanut butter? Okay. So that's, Ansen analog ingredients for anyone who is wondering what I was coming up with there, but we can compare the sounds. We can compare the sounds of different ways people get in the water. If they're tiptoeing in really subtly, or if they're doing a massive cannon.
[00:18:47] And the same is true for helping increase the comfort level with what these foods may sound like when they're actually being chewed or eaten in our mass. Moving forward with that, we could talk about what does it feel like? What does it feel like when you dip one little baby pinky toe in, or maybe when you're sitting on the side of a pool and you just feel drops, hit you, what does that feel like?
[00:19:08] Well, how does that differ from what it feels. When you're walking in and you kind of hit right at your belly button level and your body kind of shivers you're halfway in. You're not sure. Do you wanna go deeper or do you wanna get out? What does that feel like? Well, we want kids to understand what does it feel like when you take a bite of food and you're about to start chewing and eating it, but you're just not quite sure because the way it initially feels in your mouth or tastes or sounds or whatever your comfort level and response to that food is makes you wonder if you maybe wanna spit it.
[00:19:41] but you keep chewing and you keep going. And we talk about this comfort level and this comparison between swimming and eating that kids can so clearly understand without feeling any pressure on eating, but for them to begin training themselves in expanding their comfort level, to know that they can tolerate a little bit more each time or with any given different food, as we get deeper and deeper and deeper, we look for the fish of what does this taste like?
[00:20:10] What does this taste like if I lick it with the tip of my tongue, what does it taste like when I'm chewing it in the back of my mouth? What does it taste like when I eat the celery or the peanut butter or the raisin separately versus what does it taste like? When I chew all three together, an analog on my back MOS.
[00:20:27] So we want kids to see that there's levels that they can dive in with these given foods that they're comfortable with when they take a given food for a. That doesn't have to be a universal swim or stroke for every food. We want them to think through, how am I comfortable swimming with this food today?
[00:20:46] Do I wanna go cannibal with it? Am I really only ready to dip my pinky toe in? And this is something the kids and I talk about all the time, so I can kind of understand where are you at with this food? Because some of my kids with some foods might be ready to dive right in eating it, no big deal. But with other of my kids, I wanna see.
[00:21:05] Where is your comfort level so that I can help come alongside you and offer some help and some reassurance and some conversation that helps compel you to take more steps, to get you closer, to being comfortable to eating with it. So if you're still with me in this analogy, I want you to also consider how can you delight in the.
[00:21:28] Instantly, what I was thinking about and preparing for this episode is when you take your baby to the pool for the first time, there is like no greater joy. I mean, any first with a child is just always so sweet, but your child does not know how to do anything. They have every aid and every thick coated, sunscreen and sun hat and, you know, flotation device and eyes on them and cameras taking pictures of 'em and everything going.
[00:21:52] and yet their delight is others delight. Everyone is enjoying in their delight. And I think that this is really important because something, and, you know, I do have three kids, so this makes it easier. But even as an adult, this is really where we get the opportunity to role model to our kid, because we can point out other people's delight.
[00:22:08] We can say, wow, look at how much fun they're having in the water. Look how much delight is on their face. As they splash, look at how much they're enjoying using the diving. And any of those parallels would be the same for what we could role model or point out as delight in other people, eating it when we are enjoying something that we are eating or others at the table, or let's just point it out again, not in a way that's being inadvertently used to pressure our kids, but just to point out the pleasant experience that others get from this same experience.
[00:22:42] So I can say I am really enjoying. If you followed me for any amount of time, you've probably heard me talk about a dream bite, say, wow, this is my dream bite. This is such a delight to eat it this way. And so we just wanna point out that delight so they can see different ways that people are enjoying it.
[00:22:58] So even if they're a little unsure and they're maybe not delighting in the eating experience of the given food, yet they can see that delight can come. And what form does that come in for different people? So I know that this episode went a little longer and goodness knows I don't make. A long story short, pretty much ever, but especially when I'm using an analogy, because I think there's just so many ways to continue to expand off of it.
[00:23:22] But I hope that whether you listen to this while you were packing the pool bag for your guys next trip to the pool, or while you're cleaning up dishes and feeling maybe a little defeated and like you were drowning a little bit in feeding your kids, that this episode can encourage you. You have a whole summer ahead of.
[00:23:41] To enjoy, yes, the beautiful weather outside with your kids and to make new adventures and experiences and make the most of those sweet memories with your kids. But I hope and pray that at meal times also, this will be something that you can talk about with your kids, that even if you're practicing, thinking through, in your own mind, the steps that we talked about, you can begin working through those.
[00:24:04] So then you can begin sharing with your kids. What does it look to take this food for a. What does it look like and kind of think through what are those fish that you guys might be fishing for when it comes to the questions you might be asking about different foods. That again are not as black and white as did you eat, did you not?
[00:24:22] But it's instead, how deep are you willing to dive in with this? Because again, any kid who's uncomfortable with getting in the water is not going to walk away, enjoying the experience. If you just throw 'em in the deep end and leave them defend for the. Come alongside them. Talk with them in the process and equip them with the tools and the language and the overall skills that they need to succeed in eating.
[00:24:47] Just the way you would in swimming.
[00:24:52] It has been a joy having you on podcast today. And if you've enjoyed it as well, I have a quick favor to ask. Do you mind hopping over to apple podcast and leaving me a written review? This will only take you a hot second, but it truly blesses me every time I get to read what one of you right over there.
[00:25:08] And it allows me to bless others through this podcast and the episodes to up. The other thing that you can. To take a screenshot of this episode and tag me over on Instagram at veggies and virtue, I would love to see what action steps that you're taking from this episode, and also to support your family in the journey moving forward until next time.
[00:25:26] Thanks for coming over to chat at my kitchen counter. Remember that youll always have a seat and a snack waiting for you here.
