11 // But mama, I want to sit in YOUR lap!
But mama, I want to sit in YOUR lap!”
The tension and trouble with letting your kid get down-and-up-again at meals
Are you struggling with your child asking to come sit in your lap (after they have already gotten down from the table)?
This can be a perpetual problem that really pulls on a mom's heart strings. Because although we want to connect with our child and feel like the most loving thing to do might be to allow them up to sit with us, boundaries can quickly get crossed and meal time expectations quickly take a turn for the worse. We may assume our child will eat better if we let them back up also, but Ashley outlines how this isn't actually an effective approach for eating competence.
That's why in this episode, Ashley outlines how to discern if how you are responding is showing love or setting limits. Through three different value-based considerations, Ashley helps you walk through how to handle the season you are in with compassion and yet clear boundaries so that everyone is able to eat and enjoy the meal.
Listen to this episode of The Veggies & Virtue Podcast now!
Full Episode Transcription
Please note this a raw transcription. If something doesn’t read correctly, toggle to that timestamp in the show so that you can listen in on what was actually being said!
[00:00:00] Oh mamas. This one really tugs on the heartstrings. I have been here with my own kids. And I hear from so many of you, moms who are in a season of having a toddler, who's asking to get up on your lap. And just that struggle of knowing, you know, where does the boundary lie, creating bad habits by letting them up?
[00:00:17] I feel bad if I don't say that they can, because often they just want to cuddle, but then they start picking up my food and then my, you know, boundaries of how much I'm already getting touched. And. Poked and probed all day by our kids then just starts to feel like, I feel like my boundaries have been invaded and now I'm frustrated with my kid and then the whole meal starts to spiral.
[00:00:38] And so as moms, what we really need to be thinking about is how can we set boundaries? Before that point gets crossed.
[00:00:50] Hey mama, I'm Ashley, and welcome to the veggies. And for two podcast in this podcast, you will find simple menu ideas, kitchen, organizational systems, spelled out for mom [00:01:00] life and feeding tips and tricks. Evidence-based and graced placed. I believe that you can find flexibility when it comes to feeding your family so that you can feel calm, capable, and connected in the kitchen as a registered dietician and Christian mom of three myself, and want you to break free from the mealtime battles and to feel equipped while feeding your kids all day long, pull up a stool at my kitchen counter.
[00:01:19] And let me pour you a cup of coffee and say a quick prayer for you. It's time to chat about the mealtime messes moments in ministry of motherhood.
[00:01:30] I want us to dive into, are we truly showing our child love by allowing them, or would we be more loving in setting limit? And knowing that that is a limit, we don't want them to cross. We may become frustrated or irritated if, and when it's crossed. So I'm going to outline three of the seasons that you may find yourself in, or that you might notice your child is going through right now and how to address them in the.
[00:01:53] Of allowing your child to climb up in the seat with you. So the first of these is you might find yourself in a season of [00:02:00] transition, particularly if your child is somewhere between like the ages of one and three, and you know, you're starting to transition it against for some families this last longer.
[00:02:09] So for some of you, you might be right around that 12 month mark for others of you, you know, this may have been a little bit more of a prolonged season. You might find your family in a season of transition where you've been having maybe your infant eat independently, where you're kind of feeding the baby, but the mealtime experience is separate from maybe you and your spouse.
[00:02:29] If this is the first born or even just when you feed yourself, because infant feeding can kind of just be a lot anyways to manage. So maybe you're not eating at the same time and you haven't transitioned to eating as a family yet. And so this is a new experience and a new season for you and your child to begin eating together versus them to kind of be the center of the eating experience.
[00:02:51] And so this whole season of transition, where you begin to sit beside them, you are feeding yourself. They are expected to have the [00:03:00] skills and independence to self feed. It's a big season of transition. And so if your child is lacking some of the self feeding skills. That may be perpetuating the problem.
[00:03:10] Maybe they still want you to feed them. And so naturally them coming over to your lap just seems like mine as well. And so that sometimes we can see happen in a season of transition, so to help with this transition and to support our child as much as possible. We want to think about how we can support some of these interactions at the table so that they are able to feed themselves.
[00:03:34] They're not relying on us to be spoonfeeding them or to be physically bringing food from the table or their highchair tray up to. We want to be intentional, that we are equipping them with the skills to be able to feed themselves first and foremost. Additionally, we want to consider how this is really an opportunity and a window to not just begin eating together, but to begin eating the same things again, during infancy, there's a lot of modifications that might be [00:04:00] made for what your child was eating.
[00:04:01] But this is a season where you can start to eat family style meals. Yeah. You might still be sir, you know, pre plating your child's high chair, tray, or their plate for them. Because of course at 12 months, they're not necessarily able to really engage in a family style meal of self-serving them thing themselves.
[00:04:19] And I'll have another episode all about family style meals. But for the purpose of this episode, I want you to begin thinking about how you can begin to start serving from the same source of food, serving family style, where it is one meal for the whole family, and you can begin to transition. That during this natural season of transition, and this kind of leads us into the next season that you might find yourself in.
[00:04:45] And that's, while this season of transition is one where independence is increasing and you can start to really empower your child in. Age-appropriate independence of sitting independently, feeding themselves independently and staying [00:05:00] in their seat. We also need to remember that this is a season of testing and with independence also often comes boundary testing, and this is very age appropriate and fatherhood.
[00:05:09] We all know that our children love the word. No, they love exerting their opinion. If in wherever they can. And one of the areas that children often feel that they should and could have some control is in the area of. So what we can be doing to help our child in this season of transition, when it comes to testing the boundary of do I have to stay in my own seat?
[00:05:32] Am I allowed back up at the table, in my lab, back at my mom's and sat at the table? Am I allowed to eat off my mom's plate? Instead of off my plate? All of these things are just questions that your child is curious. And they're asking these questions. And so while yes, it is boundary testing and yes, it can be a very exhausting stage where you just want them to stay seated.
[00:05:51] We are the adults and we are the parents and we need to be making the executive decisions on what we know is best for them and how we're protecting our limits as [00:06:00] parents to not overextend ourself in a way that's going to make us frustrated and negative, really respond at a meal in a way that can kind of make.
[00:06:08] Male just spiral into a negative experience for everyone. So in this season of testing, some of the ways that we can reinforce love with limits, we can reinforce those boundaries around the feeding relationship when it comes to allowing or not allowing our child up into our lap is to be very clear and to be very consistent with these boundaries.
[00:06:27] So this might start out with something as basic as the buckle on your child's high chair, assuming in this phase where your child's most likely asking to come up in your. Again, it most often tends to happen with clients between like one year of age and three years of age. So within that window is often where the season of transition happens.
[00:06:47] We may be transitioning our child out of the high chair too soon. Or what additionally might happen is we might be transitioning them out of using the buckle on their high chair too soon. So the ideal goal I would [00:07:00] say is to try. Can continue and consistently use the buckle up til around three years of age.
[00:07:05] This is where a child is able to more cognitively understand the cause and effect of, I need to say my buckle and to communicate a and understand what you're communicating with them about some just very clear boundaries. And the buckle is a very clear boundary is non-verbal they understand if the buckle is on, I am to stay in my.
[00:07:25] This is the meal. This is where I'm going to stay. As soon as we remove the buckle, we remove a very concrete, clear non-verbal Foundry to our children who are still developing communication skills. They're still, you know, in a tremendous cognitive stage of development where their brain is still starting to understand this cause and effect of how things work.
[00:07:46] And so if they don't have just that natural physical barrier to keep them in their seat, they're going to. Begin to wander a little bit more, to get up more prematurely, to try and climb over to your chair. And I think the [00:08:00] longer we can draw out that phase from happening the shorter that window will be.
[00:08:07] And the quicker we will be able to communicate effectively with our kids, what the expectation is around mealtime behavior. So the first thing I would say in this season of testing is if you haven't gotten rid of the. Keep the buckle, as long as you can. It's very similar to the advice from car seat specialists to keep your child rear facing as long as you can't.
[00:08:25] Because once you've, once you've changed that it's very hard to go. That said, if you have found yourself maybe with like an older toddler and they've maybe outgrown their infant highchair, and you're already in a state of, you know, finding yourself in this season that you might need to transition to a different high chair.
[00:08:44] This is a good opportunity to maybe get a booster seat or, you know, to get something that has another buckle. And that's an opportunity to re-introduce it in a way that, and it kind of is the big boy chair, the big girl chair. And you can re-introduce the buckle in the case that maybe the buckle had already.[00:09:00]
[00:09:00] Disregarded in the previous chair. So there's definitely tactics to get it back, but I would say try and use it as long as you can, until your child's very clear on what the expectations are and what the boundaries are about. In their seat, that'll just make it easier on you. And ultimately it makes it a lot easier on them as well to know the expectations.
[00:09:20] Additionally, in this season of testing, we want to be really clear on what our boundaries are with what we expect from our children. Again, the buckle can help in a nonverbal way, but in a verbal way, this might be something as simple as articulating charge child. This is breakfast. When you get up from the table, you're telling me all, you're all done.
[00:09:38] We will not be eating again until morning. So if your child gets up from their chair, that is what you were verbally communicating to them. Every time you have to be consistent with this, because if you say that to them, and then you allow them to crawl back up into your lap, that is inconsistent. That is unclear to them.
[00:09:57] What the boundary is. That's telling them, you know, this [00:10:00] is breakfast and I can get down from my seat, but I'm allowed to get back up into mom's seat. And that is very confusing. It is confusing for them. And I know first unit. How confusing it is on us when we just feel so conflicted and so torn, because we don't want our kid to get up from the table prematurely.
[00:10:15] We also want to eat some of the time if we're trying to eat at the same time as them, it's like, oh gosh, I'd rather like at least shoves some food down my throat and eat something and then have to be like fighting with them and setting these boundaries where they're going to throw a fit. And now I'm not eating and I'm frustrated.
[00:10:31] So sometimes we feel like in the moment. It's just easier to say, fine. Just come sit on this leg. I'm going to, you know, sit on my left leg. I'm going to eat with my right hand and like try and do this together. Even though I feel like you're invading my space and this is not really a beef that I want to continue with.
[00:10:46] It's a makeshift effort for now. And I understand that is a very, very, very hard season. But as with all seasons of parents, And particularly if all seasons of boundary testing, we have to remember that if we fail to communicate clearly and [00:11:00] consistently to our child, the longer that season is going to last.
[00:11:03] So if you are very clear with your child of this is the meal, this is the consequence. If you get down the meal ends and you will, the kitchen will be closed until. The next eating opportunity. That is what you were communicating to them. And that is what you are communicating every time they get up from the table.
[00:11:19] So if they get up the meal is over, they are not coming back to their seat. And they're especially not coming back to your seat because that brings us into the third and final season I want to talk about here is this season of seeking connection and it's problematic if a child gets out of their seat and then keeps coming back to their seat and gets out of there.
[00:11:38] Go listen to the episode before this one, where I talk about how to keep your child in their seat, but for the context of this episode and talking about a child who wants to get back up into your seat, once they've already gotten down from their seat, we have to remember that again, between this 12 and 36 month window.
[00:11:55] Children are often looking for connection. And again, this is because they're [00:12:00] developing that autonomy and independence that is so exciting for them, but they're also realizing that they are separate from you and that they are a different person from you. So we're infancy. They might have. Warren and a baby carrier often snuggled to sleep and nursing and having physical connection in so many different capacities that changes in toddlerhood.
[00:12:20] And so they're seeking connection in other ways, particularly if you've gone back to work and they may be seeking connection with you at the time that they have at home, such as mealtimes, additionally, a very common thing that happens in this way. His families add additional children. And so I hear time and time again from clients.
[00:12:38] This problem in the context of when mom is pregnant or when a new baby arrives. And that's just our children's natural response to reach out to us, to try and connect in the capacity that they know how it can be very trying and very frustrating. And yet, if we can also see that they're really just in a season of seeking connection with us, that we [00:13:00] can tune in a little bit more with their heart of the matter and address that so that we're not addressing the issue at the table behaviorally when really it's something that is an emotional need that they have.
[00:13:11] So if we can see this season of connection of. One where, you know, there's just transitions happening. There's boundary testing happening, but there's also this time for connection to happen. And if we can reassure our children that this will happen. And again, we don't want to be guiding them away from the table, but it's important to say, you know, I can't let you sit on my lap.
[00:13:35] I need to eat, but you can sit in your seat. And let's talk about, and you can engage them in a way that they feel connected to you. Or you could say, I can't let you sit in my lap, but you and I can go for a walk after dinner. Are you on ICU? Play blocks after dinner, or you can pick a book when we're done eating breakfast.
[00:13:56] And again, you're not trying to distract them further to get them away from the [00:14:00] table and want to go get the blocks of the book or go on a walk or something like that. But you can reinforce that there's so many new and exciting opportunities for connections. Away from the table, as well as opportunities for connection at the table to just engage in dialogue and communicate with them at a way at a level that, you know, the air age allows, but that doesn't allow that boundary testing and the boundaries to be correct.
[00:14:25] And so you and your family can ultimately transition smoother into that next phase of that being independent eaters from you and having an age appropriate understanding of how to stay seated at the table. Okay. So as we wrap up, I want to encourage you mom to mom, do not let them back up in your lap.
[00:14:45] That is so often the most loving thing that you can do is to set that limit that if they have gotten down from their chair, the meal is. It doesn't matter if they want to get back up into their chair. Again, go listen to the episode before this one, if that's an issue. [00:15:00] But if they're trying to get back up into your lap, lovingly, remind them the limits that they are not able to come back up into your lap, but connect with them about the season of transition.
[00:15:10] This is the season of boundary testing. This is, and the season of seeking connection that this is so they know that you see them, you love them, you care so deeply for them. And in all of those things, You are saying, I cannot let you back up in my lap. So know that you are showing love by setting those limits and go put it into practice in the coming week.
[00:15:33] Jesus, you show us that in discipline, there is love. You show us that in boundaries, we are protected. God, you show us that there is security and safety in the bounds of what you have deemed as. And that does not mean that all things are good and that all things are permissible, but God, we thank you that you have shown us that loving example and that you have empowered [00:16:00] us and equipped us through your holy spirit to discern where we need to set limits for our children's good and where we can show up in the love that you have given us to pour out on our kid.
[00:16:10] I pray that for all the moms listening, who had their heartstrings just being tugged on and who have been dealing with this struggle. Recently or in the past, they got, you will give them the courage and the confidence to know where to create boundaries and how that blesses their children. God, I pray that you be with them.
[00:16:30] I pray that you be in their children. So that they will feel safe and secure and loved in these limits. And that connection will happen at the table, but also that sweet moments of connection will happen away from the table so that these kids can grow into all that you have them to be in Jesus' name.
[00:16:49] It has been a joy having you on podcast today. And if you've enjoyed it as well, I have a quick favor to ask. Do you mind hopping over to apple podcasts and leaving me a written review? This will only take [00:17:00] you a hot second, but it truly blesses me every time I get to read one of you right over there. And it allows me to bless others through this podcast and the.
[00:17:09] The other thing that you can do is to take a screenshot of this episode and tag me over on Instagram at veggies and virtue, I would love to see what action steps that you're taking from this episode, and also to support your family in the journey moving forward until next time. Thanks for coming over to chat at my kitchen counter.
[00:17:25] Remember that you will always have a seat and a snack waiting for you here.
