How to Handle Holiday Feeding Struggles
When routines are off and relatives are around, parents often stress over holiday feeding for their kids. Whether it be because you have a selective eater who may struggle to eat holiday fare or an outspoken family member who speaks their unsolicited opinion about that at the table, I hear from parents each year about how hard it is to handle feeding and family over the holidays.
That’s why in this post, I review seven of the most common holiday-related feeding struggles I hear of, alongside a suggested solution and tip to better set yourself up for success in the year ahead.
How to Handle Feeding, Family, and The Holidays
Common feeding challenges that come up when routines are off and relatives are around
This post was originally written and posted in 2018 as part of a partnership with Healthy Height. You can view the complete article here for, 7 Holiday Feeding Struggles and How to Handle Them.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 1: The Child Who Won’t Eat What’s Offered
Solution: Practice a Walk-Through of the Meal
Sometimes a child’s choice to not eat is from apprehension towards what food is offered. Other times, however, he or she may opt to pass for other reasons out of our control. That’s why, instead of catering to our child excessively in that awkward moment of meal refusal, we can prepare him or her in advance for how to handle this potential scenario (as well as yourselves).
To do this, play “Thanksgiving Dinner” (or whatever the event of concern is) before the actual event. Talk about what will be offered, including both the items they do and don’t (yet) prefer. Help them to identify at least one food they love from the meal or get their buy-in on one of their favorite holiday dishes and have them help make it. A few areas to focus on during your meal walk-through:
Teach your child about what to say when they politely decline foods and how to give thanks for what’s offered (even if they choose not to eat it).
Show them how to pass the dishes around the table—even if they pass on the chance to have any on their plate —and how to still participate in the meal.
Remind them that they can still enjoy the meal, even if they don’t eat a lot.
Set yourself up for success: For both parents and children alike, an underlying message to remember is that these holiday meals are about so much more than food. From an early age, we can train up our children to politely engage in and embrace time of togetherness, even if nothing is eaten.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 2: The Child Who Doesn’t Like What’s Offered
Solution: Plan for Foods They Do Like
Let’s address the facts: while it may feel like you alone have the world’s pickiest kid, you aren’t. There are many kids who don’t like the most common offerings at a holiday meal, are averse to any kind of animal protein, uncomfortable with the mixed textures of casseroles and unfamiliar with the flavors used to spice up seasonal favorites.
Considering so many of the foods offered over the holidays aren’t commonplace during the rest of the year, it’s no surprise that these meals are often outside of our children’s comfort zones. That’s why it is important for parents to help their children feel comfortable with these holiday meals and the food at gatherings.
In addition practicing the meal ahead of time, you can also plan meals, including elements you know your child loves, likes, and is still learning to enjoy. While I don’t suggest trying a new approach to “get your child to eat” at a holiday meal itself, your family might benefit from adopting a simple framework such as Love it, Like it, Learning it® in the weeks leading up to a family gathering.
By doing this, you begin to set a precedence for your child about what to expect from family meals. You make them aware that there will be elements offered that they love, like, and are “still learning” at any holiday meal. You help them to recognize that a separate meal will not be made for them outside of these choices. Then, you begin to work on what this might look like at actual holidays events and how they can handle such a framework in situations when eating in the company of others.
You may want to make simple additions to a meal that include your child’s preferred foods, like bread and butter or cooked peas. You can also bring the appetizer or dessert that you know your child will eat. While ideally we want them to eat more than just that one preferred food, this is one of the first steps to take as they learn to like, and eat, what’s offered, rather than expecting something else.
Set yourself up for success: The aim here is for both you and your child to rest assured that there will always be something at the table they enjoy. While he or she may not prefer the meal in its entirety, we can help our children adapt to and accept what is offered. Prepare them for a variety of foods that are to be expected, including those they love, like, and are still learning.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 3: The Child Who’s Hungry Right After the Meal
Solution: Be Clear About Snack and Eating Times
We’ve all been there: 15 minutes after a meal, many of the adults are still clearing the table and cleaning up all the dishes only for your child to come tug on your leg, complaining of hunger. “We literally just ate,” tends to be the common response, but that doesn’t curb your kiddo’s craving for “something else.”
Instead of allowing this to become commonplace behavior that they can eat whatever they want, whenever they want amidst the unpredictable nature of the holidays, keep some routines as close to their “normal” as possible. As I shared here,
“Try to keep a semi-normal meal and snack structure so your child has the comfort of consistency and will be less likely to have a hunger-induced meltdown.”
That means, instead of scrambling to find your child something else to eat the moment they say they’re hungry, respond as you would at home. Share with them what and when they can expect to have another eating opportunity, like, “We just finished the family meal and aren’t going to make anything else right now. I’ll be setting out some fruit and cheese (food) in an hour (set amount of time) for anyone who is still hungry.”
You might choose to be more liberal timing wise, rather than keeping the traditional 2 to 3 hours between feeding opportunities that I recommend here. But the point is less on the time that lapses and more on you continuing to provide some structure to your role of what, when, and where food is offered. This will help your child to thrive more within those windows rather than adding extra time that you two need to spend in the kitchen (than you already are)!
Set yourself up for success: Evaluate your days during the holidays, especially the one when your eating schedule will be different from the norm. This can help you to plan ahead for when you want meals and snacks to be offered. In this way, you can prevent excessive hunger (i.e. meltdowns) and be able to tell your child when another snack might need to be offered.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 4: The Child Who’s Too Distracted to Eat
Solution: Adjust Your Expectations of What “Should Be”
We all love the idea and imagery of having a large table where everyone sits together. The reality is that meals often go over better when we adjust and take action to make the family meal more appropriate and enjoyable for everyone. As discussed in this article on how to keep your child seated at the table, it’s unrealistic to assume a young child can sit still and behave appropriately for the entirety of a long, holiday meal.
Instead, set age-appropriate expectations and modify the timing and ways meals are offered based on the ages and feeding stages of the audience. Try to prepare your children in the days leading up to a holiday gathering for how long they will be seated at the table. If they are used to eating and getting up after only five minutes, gradually work up to a longer time frame. This will help prepare them for the holiday gathering and longer family meal.
Then, before the holiday meal begins, discuss with other adults how long they feel is appropriate until the kids may be excused. Siblings, cousins, and friends may all benefit from being excused at a unified time rather than creating a domino effect when one child is allowed to leave and all others wish to follow. This is possible when parents take a moment to discuss meal time expectations for all kids, if possible, ahead of time.
Set yourself up for success: Be flexible with where and how meals are offered, whenever possible. If it means that the children will eat more and behave better if they have a “kid’s table” or eat ahead of the adults, go with that. You can still teach good behavior and promote family togetherness, even if you all don’t gather around the same table at the same time.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 5: The Child Who Throws a Fit at a Family Meal
Solution: Prepare Ahead of Time
Remain confident in how your family feeds, even if it seemingly backfires. It may be totally unrelated to the meal itself, especially if your child is already accustomed to your family’s use of the Division of Responsibility.
Sometimes, the social pressures of the holidays can weigh heavily on little ones and result in big emotions. During these times, you and your child are experiencing more eyes on your child when they’re eating, opinions on how your child eats or doesn’t eat, messed up sleep schedules from travel, and potentially missed naps from festivities.
With all these at play, it isn’t always worth evaluating why a meltdown is happening in the moment it happens, particularly if it is during a holiday meal. Instead, spring into action and politely execute your exit strategy. While it might be worthwhile to evaluate how to avoid a similar situation once the moment has passed, plan for how your family will politely remove yourself from the situation.
To avoid picking up and leaving with a child that’s kicking and screaming, talk with your spouse and children about how such situations will be handled, should they occur. Matter of factly discuss who will remove themselves from the table or party with the child and the expectations that need to be met for the child to return.
Set yourself up for success: As much as possible, prevent mealtime meltdowns with two simple tools: naps and snacks. If your child is still of napping age, in some cases, even if they aren’t, try to protect their sleep. They need it to be their best during the holidays. That paired with nutrient-dense snacks given before a party or gathering can help a child feel more able to regulate their emotions and attitude when it comes time to gather at the table.
Holiday Feeding Struggle 6: The Child With Relatives That Eat Differently Than You Do
Solution: Provide Your Preferred Foods
Hello, sticky subject. This is one of the most common complaints and concerns that come up when different family dynamics come into play around food—especially during the holidays, when sweets, treats, and foods are everywhere.
For some families, there may be more relaxed and loose boundaries around what, when, and where cousins and fellow kids are allowed to eat such foods. These may or may not be similar to how your family prefers to handle candy-related holidays. To avoid confrontations or potentially coming off offensively to others about what they eat, consider opening up a conversation with the host ahead of time, such as suggested here. Try asking,
“Do you mind me asking what is on the menu for the day? What may our family bring to contribute?”
As shared here, this invites you to dialogue a bit ahead of time about what is being offered so you can offset what they plan to offer with additional choices that may more closely align with your family’s preferences (or dietary needs).
Additionally, if you are hosting and the roles are reversed, you may consider requesting your guests bring specific additions to the meal. This helps round out the meal while still allowing everyone the chance to contribute dishes that are meaningful and pleasing to them.
In this article, I speak to how this might change depending on if you are only at or hosting a single day holiday gathering versus one that spans multiple days. There are some ways you can maximize your role (what, when, and where food is offered) with such relatives by asking such questions such as volunteering to make a grocery run once you arrive so you can pick up the staples you know your kids eat. This takes the stress off of the host to provide the foods you prefer, while also giving you the ability to contribute to all that is being served.
Be cautious of using “our food” and “your food” or language that accentuates the preferences between what you might consider to be “healthy” versus that which the host (or visiting guests) choose to eat. Unless there is a dietary restriction or allergy necessitating a need for separate food, try to stay as neutral as possible towards all of the foods being offered. Make “yours” available to others and model to your children how “theirs” can also be included, enjoyed, or at the very least, respected.
Set yourself up for success: Politely provide alternatives in place of or in addition to other choices when appropriate. You can respect everyone’s food preferences, while still making sure to provide nourishing options for your family as well. If a child is interested in a given item, consider how you can include it into what they may be eating to promote dietary balance as well as a balanced mindset towards how all foods can fit. Find freedom in the type of eating competence that adjusts to any type of eating environment, only to later resume it’s own once routine is re-established. This will help you as the parent to stress less and your child to eat in a variety of settings with more success!
Holiday Feeding Struggle 7: The Child Who Has Relatives That Handle Feeding Differently Than You Do
Solution: Maintain Feeding Roles and Be Up Front
We may know how we want to feed our child, but in the presence of others, it can quickly get called into question. That’s why it is important to be confident, yet casual, in your approach to feeding.
Role model your job in feeding, respect your child’s job, then try to maintain these roles as much as you can during the holidays. While family and friends may feed their kids differently than you do, remember that feeding is no different than other hot topics in parenting like sleep, discipline, and education. Everyone has their own ideas and opinions about what works and doesn’t; some of which might be similar to yours and others that may differ greatly.
Talking about how meals and snacks will be handled upfront before a holiday gathering can help everyone stay on the same page, even if opinions on how to feed one’s family differs. This allows all family members an equal opportunity to share preferences and be proactive to talk through areas they see as potentially problematic. Such conversations you may wish to have in advance include ones, such as those shared here:
When your child usually eats meals and snacks and whether these times fit in with the holiday plans.
What time bedtime is and whether that fits in with the holiday plans—or if something will need to be adjusted.
The special food traditions you hope to enjoy over the holidays—so you can adjust if/when other treats are offered throughout the visit.
Will kids eat before adults or with them?
Your child’s feeding temperament and how you and your spouse handle meal time dynamics to promote positive, playful, and pressure-free meals. Emphasize your goal is for everyone to enjoy a shared meal, not obsess over if/what and how much your child eats.
Your approach to dessert—do your kids need to eat a certain amount of dinner before they have dessert? Can they have dessert with dinner? Would you prefer that dessert is kept out of sight during the day so the kids don’t get fixated on it? Or, are you okay with sweets being available and offered anytime?
Who will be preparing and serving each meal? How can everyone pitch in so one person isn’t carrying the mealtime load?
What are some simple and easy foods to have on hand for snacks if your kids are up early or simple meals if the days schedule gets thrown off
If you feel the need to make requests to relatives about how they feed your child, respectfully share details on how you do things and speak your main requests. Focus on the key things you hope they do or don’t, and if there’s push back, respectfully address differences between their feeding approach and yours to find a compromise.
Then, remind yourself that if a meal doesn’t go exactly as you desire, it is only one meal, day, or week and is not going to derail your child’s entire diet nor ruin their overall relationship with food. But your reaction may. Instead of being confrontational about it in the moment, handle it as you would a missed nap. Even if frustrating at the time, see this as a teachable moment to identify what went awry internally. Then, weigh what key things you would like to handle differently in the future so that once the meal is over and you feel calm, cool, and collected again, you may work through how things might be handled differently at the next eating opportunity with whomever is involved or willing to work through it.
Set yourself up for success: The reality is that some relatives may never feed our children the way we wish they would. With many of us raised under different food and parenting approaches than what now adopt as our own, some of these tendencies at the table die hard. Try to be open and upfront about the ways you approach feeding, before a conflict occurs. Then, should a conflict occur, weigh the worth of having another conversation. If you know there is no middle ground with whomever you’re having the issue with, consider if and how you can choose to not let this ruin your or your family’s holiday experience. It may mean you adjust your approach in the future but in the meantime, need to be the more adaptable party.
Tis the Season
The holiday season is a time for us to slow down and celebrate with family and friends, enjoying all the food that contributes to the nostalgia. Before diving into all of the holiday happenings, however, prioritize which of the above scenarios are most likely to threaten your time together with loved ones. If historically you know there are challenges or concerns that come up, do what you can to troubleshoot them in advance. This will give you and others time to process and plan accordingly in a positive, proactive way rather than reacting amidst an actual gathering.
In doing so, we can begin to set our families up for success and better equip ourselves, our children, and our loved ones at large with the tools needed to enjoy all the food, family, friends, and festivities.